Me and My Boy xxx

Bursting.....

With excitement! A complete contract from my last blog. For once things seem to be going my way. My body tollerated the antibiotics so I went in for 2 nights and I am back out on Xmas eve eve!

I feel tons better already and I have many more drugs to take hehe!

What can I say about my welcome home?!? Chris put the santa lights on in the window especially to welcome me home cos he knows I love seeing it and I know its his little cute way of welcoming me home but shhh don't tell anyone ;o) hehe...

Livvy was having her dinner and almost jumped out of her highchair and shouted Mommy Mommy! She was even more impressed when I showed her the choccy penny's I bought her on the way home! One look at Jay and he beamed his "I love my Mommy" smile and had a big kiss and cuddle with my gorgeous, amazing husband!

I am so very greatful to be at home right now. It feels sureal!

Even though my voice is nearly gone I took Livvy to bed and read her a story. She kept saying Mommy better and medecine. Its scary how much she is growing up and understanding things but she knows it as the norm which is the best way. Its amazing to be able to explain to her that I have to go away but I will always always come home again.

I have had lots of kind messages from people which have helped me so much. Special mention to my hubby as always, my Dad for bringing my lil family in to see me, my Mum for making me a lovely cornish pasty and other goodies, Nikki for always being there for me and always makin me laugh even in the crap times, Chris' parents Mandy and Steve for always checking on me and being there for me and Chris, my new found friend Grant who has been a surprising help lol and to everyone else who have sent messages.

I am currently sat waiting for a chinese then I'm going to get my feet tickled and watch some tv.

Tomorrow I am going to get a couple of pressies and that's about it. Gonna have a nice relax and enjoy a family Xmas.

Merry Xmas to everyone. Remember the good times and cherish your family and friends. Don't sweat the small stuff.... Onwards and Upwards baby!!! Xxx
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The Only Xmas Pressie I Ever Want xxxx

Mum and Her New Puppy xx

Buddy.... He is soooo cute bless him xx

Jayden Rockin A Shirt xx

Xxx

Priceless...

No words needed here.....

Ward 26 Heartlands Hospital!

Well here I am again..... Sat in the day room waiting for room 12 to be cleaned and ready for me to go in.

As I sit here I am forced to entertain myself purely with my thoughts. Not always a good thing especially when my heart is ever so slightly broken at having to leave my hubby and 2 kiddies at home a few days before xmas.

In the day room is pictures or previous CF patients that are no longer here and thank you cards from people who have been looked after on the ward or from the family of the unfortunate person not with us anymore.

As I sit here I am remembering what this hospital used to mean to me. I started coming here when I was 17 and wow it was such a life changing experience as I hadn't really seen or spoken to any other "adults" with CF. I still remember my first admission on ward 12 (the old ward we used to go on until our CF unit was built) I met 4 amazing people. 3 of them went on to be very good friends of mine for years but sadly they have passed away over the past few years. The other guy I met on that first admission was so lovely. Stayed up till the early hours chatting and having a laugh. I went home and a week later he passed away. So on my very first adult admission I had a big reality check thrown in my face.

Regardless of the hard hitting side of CF and Heartlands hospital its no joke when I say it was like a holiday camp in here! We ran riot on the ward and it was so much fun! I almost wanted to come in for treatment half the time as it was such a laugh. I think mainly cos I could spend time with such strong, funny and outgoing people that I had something in common with. Cystic Fibrosis!! Only someone else with this disease will fully understand what I mean when I say things no matter how much people try. So it was special when I speant time with people that fought like I did and much harder in a lot of cases. We used to go out to the pub and to the cinema together and come back late at night just before our last iv's were due to tuts and smirks off the nurses hehe!

Over the years we moved on to ward 26 which is a specialist CF ward build just for us. I think that's when things got a bit more serious. We all have our own rooms due to cross infection. Basically different CF patients grow different bugs and can pass them to each other so we were told to keep our distance and not to mix with other CF's. As far as I know pretty much none of my friends actually listened to anyone about the cross infection. It was a risk we all knew about but none of us were prepared to stop being friends or going to see someone when they were really poorly.

There used to be a huge group of us that stuck together and were genuine friends. Unfortunately I only have a couple left. I have watched people decline and pass away. I think of them often and when I come in here I often stay in rooms where my friends have passed away. It makes me feel close to them but it also makes me miss them all so very much. I have made many more friends (some special) over the years and more surprising friends via the internet :o) You know who you are!

So the meaning of Heartlands has changed over the years. Its all so very serious and worrying to me now. Its a lonely place and it leaves you with far too much time to think. Its where I have to be strong when I wanna be weak but the bottom line is that I will fight to the death for Chris, Olivia and Jayden. I'm not sure if I could handle everything I go through if it wasn't for them. There is always others in a worse situation than me. I will build myself back up, enjoy xmas and new year then January is when I kick start the gym again. I have a plan.... Onwards and upwards xxx

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What I Live For!!

Every single breath no matter how hard it might be will be worth every bit of effort for these 3 most precious, beautiful people that I live for. Love you 3 with all my heart xxx

Bit Lost

I know for a fact every person with CF will experience feeling lost quite a few times throughout our lives.

I am going through this at the moment. Reason being, I am in bed most of the day every day, I can't play with Livvy or do much with Jayden as I feel completely exhausted.

It really is wrecking my head right now cos what kind of life is lying in bed all day? I always here Livvy giggling and talking and know I'm missing out on that! Chris is looking after the kiddies pretty much single handedly at the moment which I know he doesn't mind but I want to be able to help.

I have been havin some terrible chest pains all day long but today they have eased. I am seriously keeping my fingers crossed that I have turned a corner today with feeling slightly better but I think its going to be a slow process. The thought of having to wrap all the pressies, get the xmas food shop and a couple more pressies fills me with dread it really does cos everything even as little as cutting Jayden's veg for his purees today knackered me out.

Anyway enough of me moaning. Over and out!
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Who Lookes Better?

Or me? Lol xx

Who Looks Better?!

Chris?

Chris and Livvy in Bed xx

Mum and Her New Puppy! Xx

Unknown!

I'm in unknown teritory at the moment! Let me explain..... I never actually want to be in hospital let me get that clear but I have always been quick ish to get myself in there to sort out any infection. I have been having iv's every 4 to 6 weeks all year until I had Jayden. As it stands it has been over 5 months since I had iv's as last lot was when I had Jayden.

I have not been sleeping properly for a week and when I struggle to rest properly I can never get sputum off my chest. So the last few days I have gradually got worse and worse to the point I rang the hospital and put my name down for a bed. Last thing I wanted was to be super poorly for xmas. I was told there was 5 people infront of me waiting for a bed so it would be the end of the week (this was on a monday). I had a great sleep last night and woke up feeling a different person. Clearing the sputum I needed to clear and had some energy again YAY!! I felt that much better for the first time in my life I rang the hospital back up and cancelled my bed!

As a little side note I would like to mention my Mum..... She gave up a high paid job to spend more time with her family and we are all very very proud of her. We would all much rather have her time than her money and after druming it into her for years she finally listened to someone else lol! And she walked out with her head held high. It was a huge step into the unknown for her but we have had a great time since she quit, going shopping and for lunch and generally spending lots of time together. Me and my Mum don't always see eye to eye as we are soooo similar but since she quit her job she has been a different person :o) I have loved spending time with her and I'm looking forward to many more hours shopping and lunching! Well done Mum you are a star.... All your grandkids are gonna love seeing you more xx

Anyway back to my point.... So I rang and cancelled my bed and went shopping with Mum and Livvy to get some more xmas pressies and managed to walk around for about 4 hours. Usually when I have felt really poorly I have just stayed at home and not do anything but if I can keep active and as soon as I feel better I will get exercising again.

I am really stepping into the unknown with knowing what my limits are as I am not giving into CF anymore. I am not letting it stop me from doing things with my Mum, kids, hubby or anything else cos my quality of life has massively improved since I upped my fitness and I refuse to go backwards. I can't wait to get back to the gym but for the next week or 2 I am quite happy to get my fitness from spending money walking around shopping and eating lots of nice goodies for xmas.

So I don't know what's gonna happen but I know I'm the best I have been in a very long time so, yes you guessed it.... Onwards and Upwards baby!!! Xx
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From My Bed!

Well finally the cold caught up with me and I got a chest infection. BOOO! Annoying but I guess to be expected?! Have started some oral antibiotics to hopefully get me through xmas and new year without needing to go in and have iv's.

I feel like all my energy has been sucked out of me. It makes it hard to look after the 2 kiddies even with Chris to help me. My patience is a little tested due to being tired too which is not really fair on everyone that has to put up with me! I just hope they understand I have my off days like everyone else.

I have felt so full of life and buzzing recently which has been amazing considering the year I have had! Which is why I am disappointed to be lay in bed while Chris and the kiddies watch Happy Feet downstairs. I don't wanna have to come to bed in the day and miss out on things going on downstairs. It is so frustrating but there is no point me pushing myself as I will just end up getting more poorly. My body is calling out for a bit of rest.

Even with my body feeling a bit weak and tired I still managed to get on my exercise bike with a bit of help from "Love On The Transplant List" which is the most moving documentary I have ever seen. It made me move my butt and do a bit of exercise to help myself. Usually I feel better after getting motivated and doing something but today I had no such luck I just feel knackered and my lungs are hurting me.

Oh my god I am going to stop moaning now as I'm sure no one wants to read about someone going on and on lol.

So I will get some rest now then get up and put some make up on as I am sporting the "white as a ghost" look! Go to the docs then its back home to play COD with the hubby and have an early one I think xxx
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Watching TV Together xx

Priceless xx

I Wonder....

What is she thinking here? Xx

My Angel xx

She was not impressed her cake had all gone lol xx

Absolutely Adorable xx

1 Day Later!

I can't believe what a difference 24 hours makes in our lives! You only have to read my previous post to realise I am in a highly positive state of mind at the moment and also working hard at strengthening my body to be healthier.

Now I can't say I have completely lost my positive thoughts but they took a slight battering this morning at the gym.

I had a bit of a cold and it has now slowly started turning into a chest infection. Definately slower than normal but its happening.

I will be honest with my symptoms now so beware lol!! Since last night when I was in bed I started to cough up a lot more sputum from my lungs and it was also thicker than normal. This morning I went to the gym and truely struggled which annoyed the hell out of me as its my first step backwards since I started going! I still managed 35 mins of exercise but it was so damn hard... My heart rate was through the roof and I kept having coughing fits and people were looking at me... After 15 mins on the bike I hid inbetween the CV room and the weights room and coughed my guts up and where I stood no one could hear or see me. Once I felt slightly better I went back and did 25 mins on the treadmill. My heart rate never settled and felt like it was gonna beat out of my chest. It makes sense because with the thick sputum blocking my airways I have less oxygen getting through so my heart has to work harder to pump the oxygen around my body.

I could tell it was purely my lungs playing up as I really pushed myself on the weights and felt not too bad at all. Needless to say I have been exhausted ever since I left the gym. This is the hard park for us CF people.... I have been able to do so much recently and all of a sudden I feel like I need to rest and put my feet up and not do anything. But 1, I have 2 children and that's not possible and 2, even the closest people to you struggle to understand my sudden lack of energy and tiredness cos I look exactly the same on the outside as I did yesterday and the day before etc etc. I completely understand that no one will ever know fully how I feel apart from people in a similar situation but its really frustrating when my body doesn't co-operate! Grrrrrr @ CF!

BUT!!! There is a but!! I have not lost my determination. I will still be going to the gym no matter how many people want to stare or how hard I cough! I am not letting CF dictate to me anymore its just not an option. Though I will be taking it slightly easier for the next few days :o). Xx
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Livvy Pretending...

She was pretending the sofa was a horse! Maybe she will follow in my footsteps? I can dream can't I?! Xx

My Cheeky Man xx

Busy Busy Busy Bee!

Buuuuzzzzzzzz!

I never thought I would see the day where I was so busy that when I did sit down and try and chill I wouldn't like it!!! But it has happened! I really really don't want to sit down!

Reason for this is cos I CAN actually cope with being busy! I CAN cope with walking around shopping, I CAN do housework, I can play with Livvy and run after her without feeling exhausted or having a huge coughing fit! It feels so damn good I cannot even begin to tell you! I feel normal again and like my body is stronger and able to repair itself without the need for antibiotics or other wondeful potions the doctors would like me to take. My prescription to myself is pure and simple..... EXERCISE! I will say it again EXERCISE! I would put a million pound if I had it on exercise being the key to staying out of hospital. Also alongside exercise another thing that is absolutely essential is a PMA... Positive Mental Attitude! As cheesey as it sounds I swear it is true.

I am putting my faith in the gym and my determination to stay positive to stay out of hospital and infection free.... My first point that I have proven to myself is that I have had a cold and usually it goes straight onto my chest but ohhhh NO! Not this time! I will not allow it! I have carried on exercising through feeling rubbish and now I am pretty much recovered from the cold without so much as a sniff of any antibiotics :o) proud of myself and so I should be!

Long may the positivity continue and even improve! My new motto is "Onwards and Upwards" and that is the only direction I am planning on going!

Love to all that have supported or been there for me! You know who you are! Xxx
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My Husband xxx

Its not officially my hubby's birthday but its only an hour or so away so just a quick message to say....

Christopher Moult you light up the darkest days of my life and I treasure every second I spend with you! You are the most amazing man I have ever met that has proven so much strength to me.

I feel so lucky to have you in my life, for you to be in love with me as much as I love you and for you to be the father of our children.

You are 1 in a trillion! HAPPY BIRTHDAY baby :o) I hope you have an absolutely amazing 29th birthday (you old git :op)

Love you with all my heart and the kiddies love you so much too!

From your wifey xxxxxx
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Precious Cuddles xx

Just A Tune.....

That I love and means something......

End Credits Lyrics
When the blood dries in my vains and my
Heart feels no more pain
I know, I'll be on my way,
To heavens door,

I know when I'm not,
i'll be hoping i don't drop,
To a place where I will rise, like before,

I know when I'm not,
i'll be hoping i don't drop,
To a place where I will rise, like before,

I can feel, something happening
that I've never felt before
Hopeless dreaming will start,
Dragging me away from heavens door

I can feel, something happening
that I've never felt before
Hopeless dreaming will start,
Dragging me away from heavens door

When my mind stops thinking,
My eyes stop blinking,
I hope
Somebodys there.

And my heart stops beating
and my lungs stop breathing
in air,
I hope somebody cares,

When the blood dries in my veins and my
Heart feels no more pain
I know, I'll be on my way,
To heavens door,

I know when I'm not,
i'll be hoping i don't drop,
To a place where I will rise, like before,

I know when I'm not,
i'll be hoping i don't drop,
To a place where I will rise, like before,

I can feel, something happening
that I've never felt before
Hopeless dreams will start,
Dragging me away from heavens door

When my mind stops thinking,
My eyes stop blinking,
I hope
Somebodys there.

And my heart stops beating
and my lungs stop breathing
in air,
I hope somebody cares,

When my mind stops thinking
My eyes stop blinking
I know
At the end.

I Walked Down The Isle To This........

(I do swear that I'll always be there.
I'd give anything and everything and I will always care.
Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow,
for better for worse, I will love you with
every beat of my heart.)
From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on


This song makes me so emotional and was the perfect song to walk down the isle to marry my one and only true love xxx

Livvy's Grown Up Bed! Xx

Mommy's Boy Forever xxx

Gym Times and Inspiration!

My 2nd pregnancy was sooo difficult from the start and the birth of Jayden was very stressful. I was so poorly at the time and for a little while after and it all weighed down on my shoulders. I ended up going to the doctors as I was feeling very down and struggling a little bit. I got diagnosed with post natal depression. It really isn't surprising at all to me. I am the kind of person that deals with everything head on whether its good things or bad so when I felt like I did I knew I needed help so I went and got it and didn't bury my head.

So I started the gym around the same time as starting the tablets so it was a double help to my state of mind. It is hard to feel the way I feel when up until the last few years I have always been such a positive person. I HATE being miserable and I HATE being negative. I still have a way to go with getting my positive state of mind back but I am really really trying. I owe it to my hubby and kiddies who have to live with me the poor buggers lol!

I started the gym 2 weeks and 4 days ago. I have always loved going to the gym but I hadn't been for years. I just didn't think I was capable of doing it anymore with my lungs feeling so much worse nowadays. I was so self concious of having coughing fits infront of random people and them thinking I was spreading some nasty disease to them all lol!

I really do believe in everything happens for a reason!! I got Chris to join the gym and the day of his induction he bumped into Laura which is my cousin's best mate since school. I know Laura quite well too. A while ago Jodie had come to see me for a cuppa and she told me that Laura had been diagnosed with MS. This is a girl that did half marathons and was super fit but more importantly the most beautiful person inside and out and it genuinely upset me finding this out. Not cos I felt sorry for her but cos she really really didn't deserve such a crap hand being dealt to her. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met and would do anything for anyone. I wasn't really aware of how MS effects people and what it actually does to someone. It's like with any illness I guess that unless you know someone with it you are ignorant to it to a certain degree.

I will be honest and say that I have never been able to relate to anyone else that has had any illness apart from my fellow CF friends. That is until I started speaking to Laura on a regular basis. We have both found that we have very similar ways of thinking about our illness' and our illness' have more similarities than I would ever have thought in a million years. I cannot explain how much I appreciate having Laura as a friend as she has helped me so much. She helps me feel less alone and definately makes me feel less sorry for myself on occasions!!! We are also the most stubborn people who refuse to let these crappy illness' get the better of us. We may have our down moments but we always come back fighting. I have big respect for you Laura you are an absolute star!!!

Anyway I will get to the point!! Chris bumped into Laura at the gym so I contacted her and asked if I could go with her. We would make a right pair at the gym but at least if people started they wouldn't know which one of us to look at first lol :o) So the next day I had a re-programme and started the gym again. In the mean time we decided to call ourselves the Dream Team and Jodie also decided to come with us. Jodie has diabities so we really do make a funny team! We have such a laugh when we go together it really does make the gym fun.

2 last points I want to talk about...... Firstly is that since I re started the gym I have managed to go from 15 mins to 40 mins exercise. I actually managed to run today which I used to love doing so much. Only for 30 seconds but I DONT CARE I am chuffed I managed to run. Secondly thank you Laura for being a good friend and my inspiration to get off my bum you really have made a difference to me.

Hope you feel better soon Laur love ya xxxx

My 2 Kiddies :o)

Jayden is now 14 weeks old and is really getting a cheeky big personality. He is smiling at us every day and he has the most beautiful smile and his whole face lights up. He has a snuffly nose at the moment but apart from that he has been so good bless him. He is having 1 feed through the night which Chris is still doing (thank you Chris!!!). His reflux seems more under control now too so he is a happy baby mostly :o)

Where do I start with Livvy?!?! She is absolutely hilarious! She has us laughing every single day. She has her moments but all in all she has been a little angel. She is so close to talking properly now!! We also put her in her new grown up bed instead of her cot. The first night we had to put her back into bed about 20 times and Chris said at one point she was in her wardrobe trying to put her coat on! Lol!! The 2nd and 3rd night have gone like a dream and I hope it continues as she has been going up with me or Chris, having a book read to her then tucked in and she has gone straight to sleep. Makes us very proud that she takes things in her stride and deals with it.

Love you both very much xxxx

Posing!

Livvy whatever you do don't be a poser like me hehe! Xxx

Aaarrrgggghh!

We went to Alton Towers Scarefest 29th October 2011! Like little kiddies we got our faces painted lol :o) had an amazing day which was much needed! Chris i find you quite sexy like this lol ha ;o) xx

I Love To Kiss! Xxx

3 Years!!

Well in a couple of days I will have been with Chris for 3 years!

I just seriously cannot believe how much we have done in that time....

2 children, got our own house, got married, been on holidays and just really realised what life is all about and what we both want from it.

We both had our wild days in one way or another and when we met each other we knew it was time to settle down. When I got pregnant with Livvy after such a short time together it really was make or break for our relationship. If Chris had not taken responsibility then life would be very different to what it is now. Lucky for me he has an extremely good family background so deep down there was a family man in there somewhere lol!

I really do have major respect for my man for sticking by me and being such an amazing Daddy even when things are really tough. He is my rock!

The main thing I wanna say about Chris is that he makes me laugh and he makes me smile, he gives the best hugs and kisses! He is my soul mate and my one true love that I wanna be with forever and who I love spending all my time with.

Happy 3 years babe I love you xxx
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My 2 Kiddies!

Both getting so big now! Time goes so quickly! Xx
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Big Girl!

Gettin so grown up on the big slide xx
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In Hossy!

Cuddlin my boy whilst in hospital xx
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So My Children know!

After having an extremely difficult few months things finally start to be settling a little bit. Yes of course things are not perfect but i can now today think that there is more positive things going on than negative. Its been a while since I could say that. I am gonna try my hardest to stay thinking positive for the sake of my hubby and kiddies. Cos I can tell all 4 of us have benefited from the more positive atomosphere in our house.

Before contemplating having children the doctors tell you facts and figures about how you drop a certain percentage of your lung function during the pregnancy and its hard to gain back afterwards and some people never do get it back.

NOW!!! You could look at it in a very negative way and and get very scared and my children reading this thinking "am I the reason mommy got poorly" and the answer is HELL NO. Olivia and Jayden you have absolutely saved me in more than one way. You have prolonged my life as I never used to look after myself properly. You have given me a reason to fight for life and not just accept what is getting thrown at me. I am truely truely blessed to be both of your mommy's. Your Daddy is also a reason for prolonging my life as he helped create you both. And not just thinking that was his job he now looks after the 3 of us perfectly.

So I really hope both believe me when I say you saved me, you didn't ruin me. You are the reason I take every breath and how I get out of bed in the mornings. I always look forward to seeing both of your beautiful in the morning. You make us so happy and I'm determined to do whatever it takes so that I am here for you both for as long as possible.

Love you 3 with all my heart and without you life would suck!! Xxx
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Good Times....

You know what? I have felt  SUPER sorry for myself lately. Even though I know I shouldn't I still have. Knowing that I shouldn't means I don't for long. Unlike alot of people who think they are allowed to feel sorry for themselves (maybe they are allowed and have good reason?) and I don't think they do. But hey that's another blog..... This is to say I had such a great day today......

My beautiful, gorgeous boy is now 11 weeks old and is around 9lb 11oz!! He is doing so amazingly well the little piggy lol :o) I am so very proud of him for progressing so well. One thing I will say is that having a prem baby means you forget that they progress alot slower in comparison to full term 11 week olds. Really if Jayden was full term he would only be 3 weeks old today so he really he is progressing completely normally its just he has been around a while and I need to keep that in mind.

He looks at me with the most beautiful blue eyes and really takes in everything that you say and is SO on the verge of smiling at us! It is so lovely to see him alert as he has done a hell of alot of sleeping while he has been on the planet bless him. Right now he is sitting in his little swing fast asleep as he has had a lovely bubbly bath and a nice big bottle of milk :o)

Me, Chris and Livvy spent alot of time in the garden this afternoon. I was swinging her around and around and getting majorly dizzy and nearly falling over. I had to push through the coughing fits. I almost don't notice the fact I am coughing. It's almost as normal as talking but not quite! Luckily Livvy is used to me coughing and doesn't really take much notice which makes me feel ALOT better about it. I guess its only natural as I cough so much it IS normal to her. I still managed to laugh so hard and enjoy every second despite the coughing and its all down to my darling daughter and her most stunning smile and giggles. How could you concentrate on the negatives when you are interacting with such a delight?

Its days like this that I never want to end its days like this I wish my body let me carry on swinging and laughing but it always ends with me needing to take a break or sit down. But as long as I have breath in my lungs I will make sure I try my best for my children and husband.

Love you all lots xxxx

Livvy and Daddy

Chillaxin watchin tv xxx
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Jayden and Daddy

Time for cuddles and chillaxin xx
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My Hubby, My Hero!

I am lay in bed right now and its 1pm in the afternoon. I didn't sleep very well at all last night as I have just come out of hospital and its quite normal for me to take a couple of days to get used to being home and sharing a bed again! As i'm sure Chris agrees as he steals my side of the bed when i'm not here :op .....

This blog is dedicated to you Chris Moult! The most amazing husband and Daddy anyone could ever wish for....

Over my whole life I have been very open with anyone that I come into contact with about the fact I have CF. It's not that CF defines me as a person it is just a huge part of my life and it effects pretty much every aspect of my life now I am getting older as my health has taken a bit of a battering.

Not long after meeting Chris I had to go into hospital and even then he didn't really seem to be effected by it at all. He came to see me every day and never seemed put off. The problem with CF is we look so well most of the time and its not until you see us pumping ourselves full of antibiotics or coughing our guts up lol! So even though I was upfront and told Chris all about my illness I don't think he realised quite how hard times could get.

Enough of my waffling..... The point is..... Chris is the most amazin person I have ever met. He came along and showed me that soulmates do exist and that I could be happy and content and so completely in love with someone that not alot else matters. He gave me 2 stunning children when I thought I couldn't have any! He has stood by me when I have been so poorly and scared. When I go into hospital he looks after the kids 99% single handedly! Now anyone with 2 kids knows how hard it must be to look after 2 kids on your own. But what most people don't experience is looking after 2 kids whilst your wife is 45 mins away in hospital feeling extrmely ill and being unable to do anything about it.

Personally I don't think many people could do what he does and even if sometimes he feels like he can't take much more he goes and takes it! Cos our lives are on a constant rollercoaster but he makes it all easier to cope with and if I hadn't met him then my life would have been very unfulfilled.

I am so so proud of you babe, you have coped with more than most and you cope so well. I am so thankful that I met you and so glad you love me as much as I love you. I know we have a rough time most of the time but as long as we have each other and our babies then screw everythin else ;o)

Mwaaaa xxx
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Let the Pics Do the Talkin!

Since my last update I decided to tell a picture with stories. Once Jayden was born he went NICU, I was in serious pain from the c-section and I was too poorly to see him till about 9pm which is 9 hours after he was born! Most mommys get their babies handed to them straight away so only people that have experienced something similar will understand howwrong it feels to not have your baby with you after they are born. But obviously I understand that he needed to be where he was and I needed the care and rest I was getting but I really wanted to see him so Chris pushed me in a wheelchair into the NICU. I don't remember first meeting my little man at all.... All I remember is seeing the bottom of a bin as I just kept throwing up so literally didn't stay long at. The next time I saw him was nearly 24 hours later which is when I was a bit more with it and when I saw him I seriously broke down. Jayden had alot of fluids on himwhen he was born which made him look quite big and healthy but by the time I saw him he had lost the fluids and I got to see just how small he was. All that went through my mind is how can something so small and vunerable survive? I felt pure guilt that my body had given up and he had to come out so early. I was so scared. I was scared he was going to be really ill or maybe even worse. But all I will say is he was a tough little fighter from the second he was born. They told us to expect setback with him but he never took a step backwards. He is so tough and I am so proud of him for bein so strong when he was so ickle! Gonna stop now cos gotta do my iv's and this stupid laptop is doin my head in cos the space key doesnt work unless you press it hard and its doin my head in lol. bye for now xxx

OMG

I have got 2 kiddies!!!! How amazing?! Xxx
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Jayden....

He looks pretty much normal size :o) he is still in tiny baby clothes! Lol
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2 YEARS OLD

Well what can I say?! My little angel is growing up amazingly quickly and what an absolute delight she is turning into and i am privaledged to watch her grow day by day. She had a great 2nd birthday xxx
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Bond

I always want the closest bond with my daughter....
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Ready...

Ready to leave hospital and go home! It felt like this day would never come xxx
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Simply The Best!

The 3 most precious things in my life. I am nothing without Chris, Livvy and Jayden xxx
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Best Daddy

Winding Jayden for the first time xxx
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When....

The very first time Livvy met Jayden xx
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AMAZINGLY beautiful xxx

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Livvy's First Hold

Livvy kept patting her lap to indicate she wanted to hold him so I let her and she loved it!!!
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Family At Home

Xxx
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Home

This was me and Jayden at home for the FIRST TIME!! We waited 3 weeks for this xxx
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Bigger

My gorgeous boy looks more normal here and as you can see I am one happy lady xx
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Missed Her!

OMG i missed my angel so very much i cant explain xxx
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Chillaxin!

Just like his Daddy lol xx
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Meanwhile......

This is Livvy at home with her Daddy while me and Jayden were still in hospital. Poor Livvy needed her Daddy home as she had been staying at her Nanny and Grandad Moult's for 5 days without seeing us at all. She had been poorly too bless her xxx

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Home

This was Jayden's home for a week and 3 days whilst at Heartlands Hospital xx
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First Hold

This was the day after Jayden was born so it was a day and a half before i got to hold my boy for the first time but when it happened it felt so amazing. I love him so much and it felt so special to bond with him xxx

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Too Much To Say!

I don't even know where to start really! That is the problem with leaving the blogging till so long after events happen. The thing is life has been so busy I haven't had a chance to sit down and write this important blog! not only that it's the fact I don't particularly want to completely revisit a very amazing but terrible time....

So I will start with the fact pretty much from the start of this pregnancy I have been poorly and the more time went on the more I struggled and my body didn't seem to agree with the fact I was growing a life inside of me which is such a demanding thing to happen to your body for a normal person let alone myself. Every day i will ill and struggled was worth it...... Every single second! And even though I am super glad I am not pregnant anymore I do miss having that special amazing feeling of having a child inside of me.

So I had a pretty rough pregnancy but in june/july time things were just getting so difficult! i was swelling up and my chest was pretty bad and worst of all I felt exhausted. I felt like I was being suffercated where my lungs were being pushed up and the pains in my chest were terrible. I spent ALOT of my time in hospital. Infact just over a month previous to having Jayden I spent about a month in hospital with a week inbetween. That is the most time I have EVER spent in there and I hated it with a passion. Not only being away from Chris and Livvy but being stuck in a little room for that long tests even the strongest people.

So anyway I had come out of hospital and the exhaustion was just unbearable. I felt like getting out of bed was so so difficult. My legs and ankles were swollen which made it harder to move anyway. I had a hospital appointment but I wasn't well enough to make it to hospital so Chris had to ge the doctor to come and see me at home. When the lady doc came she did the usual checks and everything seemed ok. Mainly looking at blood pressure as swelling sometimes means pre-eclampsia which is very dangerous for baby and mom. Blood pressure was fine so I just lay on the sofa till the next day where I had swollen up even more and felt awful. Chris again rang the doctors and a lovely man came out. My blood pressure had gone up so I had suspected pre-eclampsia. He told me he would go back to the surgery and call the number I gave him to speak to one of my consultant's at Heartlands hospital to see what they wanted to do. So we waited for a while then eventually got a call from the doctor saying he had spoken to them and they wanted to go there immediately to the delivery suite.

We had poor Livvy to think about too..... I hadn't even packed my hospital bag ready to have our little one! So we were completely unorganised. We threw a few things together and travelled over to Heartlands.

To cut a long story short i had various tests done and my blood pressure checked which had come back down since earlier. The people I saw didn't really know what to do with me due to having CF they seem a bit scared when looking after me! The next day the consultant Dr Barber came to see me. She is the one that overlooked my care on the baby side when I had Livvy. She is a great Dr and is very honest and to the point! She came into the delivery room, took one look at me and said "yes we are going to give you a c-section tomorrow morning, we need to get him out!!" I must have looked bad lol! She did tell me how terrible I looked too which was lovely ha!

So that morning I was getting prepared for surgery. We were warned that we probably wouldn't hear him cry and that as soon as he was born he would be given to the specialist people who would clear his lungs etc if needed and make sure he is ok. We were also warned he may not be able to breath properly on his own as he was so premature and may need to be ventilated.

After many tries to get my epidural in which still felt absolutely horrible and painful whilst high as a kite on gas and air!!! Lol..... they had to put a spinal block in which numbed me pretty much to half way up my lungs downwards. I could not breath i swear. If it hadn't been for Chris I would have lost the plot and panicked. The staff that were looking after me in theatre were fantastic and really made me feel at ease as much as they could. Then the doctor came in and ironically it was the lady that had delivered Livvy! Crazyness! She had been off for 3 weeks and I was her first patient so it was definately meant to be.

Chris sat next to me holding my hand and keeping me calm bless him. I could see in his face he was as terrified as me! So anyway they had cut me open and the midwife that was looking after me told me I would feel pressure and some pulling. Indeed I did feel that. It wasn't unpleasant really just slightly uncomfortable. I was just praying my little boy would be ok when he came out. Then I heard someone say he is out and we heard him!!! It was only a moan and you could hear all the fluid on his lungs but we HEARD him!!!

Where the cot thing was where they worked on him was in the corner out of my view but Chris could see. I was trying to judge what was going on by his face. He looked so scared but tried to put on a brave face so I wouldn't worry too much. They started to stitch me up. Could hear the odd noise coming from the corner where my boy was and I new he was fighting so he could breath. As they were still stitching me up they told me they were going to take him to the NICU nextdoor. They wheeled him past me and stopped for about 15 seconds so I could see him. He was just lay so still with a thing over his face which helps him breath. They said he was ok..... Guess I just had to trust them.....

So Jayden Christopher Moult was born on Friday 29th July at 12pm by c-section 8 weeks early. They say he was 4lb 3oz but they later told us there was a fault with the scales and he was much more likely to have been 3lb 6oz.

We were told time at the NICU will be a bumpy road which will be very emotional. I have to stop now but will carry on soon.

xxx

I am ashamed!!!

I am winding up to update my blog but just have to post some song lyrics before i forget! I am ashamed to say I have fallen in love with this song purely due to the fact I feel like this about my husband and my children..... Dedicated to you Chris, Livvy and Jayden.......


[Chris Brown]
You’ve got that smile,
That only heaven can make.
I pray to God everyday,
That you keep that smile.
[Justin Bieber]
Yeah, you are my dream,
There’s not a thing I won’t do.
I’ll give my life up for you,
Cos you are my dream.
[Bridge]
And baby, everything that I have is yours,
You will never go cold or hungry.
I’ll be there when you’re insecure,
Let you know that you’re always lovely.
Girl, cos you are the only thing that I got right now
[Chorus]
One day when the sky is falling,
I’ll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
Nothing will ever come between us,
I’ll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
[Chris Brown]
You had my child,
You make my life complete.
Just to have your eyes on little me,
That’d be mine forever.
[Bridge]
And baby, everything that I have is yours
You will never go cold or hungry
I’ll be there when you’re insecure
Let you know that you’re always lovely
http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/chris-brown-ft-justin-bieber-next-2-you-lyrics.html
Girl, cos you are the only thing that I got right now
[Chorus]
One day when the sky is falling,
I’ll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
Nothing will ever come between us,
I’ll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
[Bridge]
We’re made for one another
Me and you
And I have no fear
I know we’ll make it through
One day when the sky is falling
I’ll be standing right next to you
Ohh ohh ohh ohhhhh
[Chorus]
One day when the sky is falling,
I’ll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
Nothing will ever come between us,
I’ll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
Oh nah nah
Oh yeah
Stand by my side
When the sky falls
Oh baby
I’ll be there
You’ve got that smile,
That only heaven can make.
I pray to God everyday,
To keep you forever.
Chris Brown Ft. Justin Bieber – Next 2 You Lyrics

WOWZERS!!!!

There is no way i can update my blog just off my phone. Too much has happened so i need to sit down when i get home from hospital and take time to write everything down as best i can.

This particular time in my life has been the best mixed with the worst things that have ever happened to me. So its important i write it all down for my babies to read and to help me put everything behind me.

All i will say right now is that i know for a fact i am the most blessed and lucky person living on the planet and in the universe right now. I have a husband that has proved more than i ever ever expected and thought he was capable of proving. Chris is the strongest person i know and i love him with all my heart and beyond. And i will also say that i have the 2 most stunning, beautiful children that i have ever seen. Im sure im not biased cos everyone else says they are beautiful too ;o)

So i will finish by saying this is the start of a very long story that covers a month of my life and i will update as soon as i can when i get home.

Chris, Olivia and Jayden Moult you are all the reason why i take my next breath and why i will fight so hard for you all. I love you all so much its overwhelming and i cannot wait for us to start our new family life together....

It wont be long :o) xxx
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Quick

Just a very quick blog update.... I am currently sat in the room Livvy was born in! I am having major swelling problems all over my body and they don't know why so I am having out baby boy out by C section tomorrow morning.

Just wanna say I love you Livvy and Chris and little Pea for that matter! With all my heart and im praying that everything will be ok.

Xxx
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Birth!

I'm sat watching one of my fave programmes ever One Born Every Minute but the USA version. There is something so incredible about giving birth. To think that a women's body adapts and is capable of growing another human being inside them is just undescribable.

The biggest achievement in my whole life is being able to grow not one but 2 babies inside of me. I was always told I would not have children until things changed a few years ago and medecine improved so much that living a relatively normal life was more achievable. Still in my head I didn't think I could ever get pregnant and when it happened WOW!!! I cherished every single second of my first pregnancy with Livvy, I embraced every change in my body and even the aches and pains were so welcome just cos I knew I had the most precious and special job which was to grow a baby and become a Mommy.

If you ask my Mum about my birth she would say it was scary and traumatic lol! I think I must like putting my Mum through stress hehe love ya really Mum ;o) But I swear I look back at Livvy's birth fondly and thought it was fab lol! I must be crazy as it wasn't the smoothest of labours but it was just amazing what a woman's body is capable of doing.

I am so very very proud of myself for carrying and protecting my 2 little pumpkins :o) This time it really isn't anywhere near as easy but it will be just as worth it. I am so in love with my baby boy already without even seeing him. I just cannot wait to meet him and see Livvy with him being a big sister.

I am so blessed to be a Mommy. I wouldn't be able to do this without the most amazing support first from my husband who doesn't even realise how much I appreciate him and love him, but also from my family mainly my Mum, Lisa (my auntie), Dad, Lindsey(sister), and Chris' Mom and Dad too. They are all such a great network of support for me and I am lucky to have them all and I love them all xxx
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P*ssed Off.com

I don't even want to explain but right now I am so pissed off and down. I feel like the most useless person, wife and mother on the planet. I don't expect my life to be easy and in a way I'm glad it's not but FFS!!!! Give me a break!!!!!
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Thought Of The Day!

When fear comes through the window, common sense flies out of the door.
I know because I experience it more and more.

'How brave you are' my friends all say, but they don't know how every day, I fight the demons and I pray, for strength to face what lies ahead! Xx
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Thought Of The Day!

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Feeling Down

I managed to stay positive for over 24 hours and even though Lisa is bringing Chris and Livvy over to see me in the morning I still feel miserable being in here away from them both.

Just feel empty and lonely and my heart physically aches for a cuddle from them both.

I love hearing Livvy chatting in the background when me and Chris are speaking on the phone and I cherish every single picture Chris sends me of Livvy doing different things.... But with each picture and each phone call it hurts more to be away from them.

I have tried all sorts of things to get through my time in here and nothing seems to help it just gets harder the longer I'm here. They are worth it though and would do 1000000 days in here for 1 day with my Livvy :o)

Gonna get back to watching corrie now and hopefully Pea will wake up soon and start kicking the hell out of me to remind me I'm not alone xxx
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Back Again

I'm back in hospital again but I don't feel terrible so it's ok.

I woke up this morning alone and it's so strange! I'm used to hearing Livvy chatting and laughing to herself which always gives me that motivation to get up out of bed cos I know that a cuddle and kiss are waiting for me :o) that makes everything worthwhile. Then we go downstairs and I usually go to the toilet and she comes with me lol! She is now officially named as my toilet buddy hahaha :o) It feels odd when she isn't there when I go now!!

Then I usually make a cup of coffee and recently been followed by a bowl of curry for brekkie! Then we sit down and watch some TV together. Sometimes she sits on me and sometimes she is just walking around and playing with her toys but when I put the baby/birthing programmes on Livvy loves watching them! She has her little ritual that she does about 5 times a day without any prompting from anyoe where she comes up to me, pulls up my top, kisses my bump, pulls my top back down and waves goodbye :o) it's the sweetest thing ever.

I think Livvy understands that there is something in there but I don't think she realises that something is going to come out kicking and screaming and taking attention from her Mommy and Daddy! But I know me and Chris will do our best and we are both good parents so I know it will be fine :o)

The point of this post was cos I am not at home to be able to do these things writing it down makes me remember in detail what I do in the morning and it's almost like doing it for real..... But it's not the same obviously it just helps me a little bit :o)

Missin you loads Chris and Livvy, you are both my absolute world xxxx
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My Hubby Is THE BEST!!!

My gorgeous, sexy and amazing hubby has just passed his theory driving test and I'm so so so proud of him! He called me to tell me and I have been cryin like a baby ever since lol!!

Bring on the driving test and then there is no stopping us :o) xxxxx love you Chris xxxxx
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Livvy and Her Grandad xx

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My Little Nutter xx

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Me and My Sis xx

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Beautiful Views! X

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