Harsh

Ok so my blog so far has been pretty light hearted but now i'm going to take it a bit deeper.....

Since I have been pregnant the 2nd time around I am struggling to sleep plus Livvy is teething, got a cold and MMR making her feel rubbish so is waking up alot which wakes me up.

When I wake up I am WIDE awake for a good hour or so but this morning was about 2.5 hours. So I surfed the net a bit on my Blackberry. Usual sites I visit at the moment are Facebook and BabyCentre. Sometimes I venture over to the Cystic Fibrosis forum. I say sometimes due to the fact it can be very morbid and a bit too intense on there. People that go on there are very open and honest and sometimes a bit brutal! But hey at 4am with nothing else to do I took a look......

A few posts stood out to me due to their relevance to CF and pregnancy. Alot of girls with CF can struggle to get pregnant and have to have alot of help and maybe IVF. I have quite obviously been EXTREMELY blessed to have ot pregnant so easily with Livvy and now with number 2 on the way. Well what can I say?! I think everyone knows how special I feel :)

But anyway back to my point.... One girl posted about having children when you have CF is maybe selfish and unfair on the child. This exact point is THE most difficult thing to think about and face up to but you do HAVE to as it is reality. In this certain thread it came up that research showed that on average girls that have had children die when the child reaches about 8 years old.

I guess my point is that when you see stats like that it forces you to wonder if you have been selfish to the child? Is it fair to bring a child into the world at the risk of leaving him or her that early and maybe earlier? Is it also fair on my partner to be left a single parent?

Obviously I cannot and would NEVER change the fact I had Livvy and I hope in the future she will forgive me for or maybe even understand why I did what I did. And that i love her so very very much!!!!

Well i'm sat at the doctors getting emotional so before people start lookin at me strange I will stop for now.....
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Gorgeous Hubby and Daughter

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

My Stunning Livvy Loo

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Me and My Angel

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Happy Times!

So everything has settled down LOADS now. Me and Chris and everyone else seems alot more excited and happy and confident in my ability to have another child. Their confidence and ours is due to me being commited to looking after myself. I am taking my relevent nebulisers, doing my physio and taking my tablets.

Thankfully my outlook completely changed from new years day. I started to read a book that someone lent me called "Ask And It Is Given" which basically tells you that you can have whatever you want in life you just have to be open enough to accept it. You have to concentrate on the positive and not the negative. When I had swine flu in December 2010 it honestly scared me. I know I bounced back very quickly but it still was a wake up call to me. I am not indestructable and I need to look after myself. So this book came along at a time that I maybe needed some guidance and a different outlook on things. Also the book gives you processes of how to make yourself feel better by thinking about more positive things. Some things it says are a bit far out but hey if the bits that seem helpful to me help then who cares?!

So anyway..... The hospital called me back 2 days after I found out I was pregnant. I was thinking they would want to see me straight away but they surprised me by being happy with seeing me in a months time in their clinic for mommy's to be! They had no issues with me at all. That gave me alot of confidence :)

So now we are getting very excited that we are giving Livvy a little brother or sister YAY hehehe!! I can't believe we are having another baby!! We have nicknamed the baby Pea or Dry Roasted Peanut lol. Sad I know :)

I know things won't be easy but it will be worth every second. Long may my new found health continue, my little Pea grow healthily and my angels Livvy and Chris be happy and healthy xxx

Sinking In

It is well and truely sinking in today. I am alot more excited than I was yesterday. I was mostly scared and feeling very vunerable and maybe slightly guilty too.

The hardest of all those emotions to deal with is the guilt. Mainly cos Livvy can't go to Turkey in October. Even though my Mum has offered to take her anyway I just wouldn't feel right her being away from us for a week in a different country and mainly it is important she is at home with us all bonding together. Also guilt due to the strain it will put on my body and maybe make me ill afterwards so more hospital visits. BUT all I can do is look after myself and stay positive. I CAN do this, I WILL do this and everything will be AMAZING!! Cos when you really think about it what is more amazing than giving my daughter a sibling. They will be close in age and I am wishing that they will be very close in their relationship too.

I wanted a baby for so long and really thought I couldn't conceive but Chris came along and 3 months later the bun was in the oven. It was a dream come true. I cherished every part of my pregnancy and even labour I guess cos I never really thought I would ever do it again. I felt like the luckiest lady in the world to have my beautiful daughter and a hubby that keeps me on my toes but loves me and would do anything for me.

When livvy was born I was soooo broody still. It never went away cos she was such an angel and relatively easy. As easy as it can be when neither me and Chris had any experience with looking after children before lol! About 4 or so months after Livvy was born I thought I was pregnant again. Positive tests but the lines were very faint. To cut a long story short it didn't work out and it made us realise that maybe we were not ready for another one so we took the necessary precautions. Then the middle of last year my want for another baby hadn't stopped or eased so me and Chris talked and we decided to go and speak to my consultants at the hospital and see what they thought. To our huge surprise due to my health being so up and down since having Livvy they said they would support us and be happy if we tried. They would never have done that if they didn't think it was a good idea! So we tried for about 3 months and nothing happened. I kept getting infections and ending up in hospital so we decided to stop trying. I think that was the first time since having Livvy I had accepted that thought of never having another child. In all honest of course I was slightly disappointed BUT we had our beautiful angel who on a day to day basis never fails to make me so very happy :)

So that pretty much brings me up to the last week or so of being exhausted, strange dreams, strange appetite and the biggest of all the hormones lol! I seriously never thought I could be pregnant! So yesterday we went to my sisters after taking Livvy to have her MMR which was horrible BTW! And I was telling her how I was feeling and she said to go and get a test. In the end we decided to and WOW!!! I weed on the stick and watched the line on the test get darker and darker until I could no longer tell myself the line was my imagination lol. Chris was the same too. Everytime we looked it was just darker. We were both in complete and utter shock.

Instantly I just felt pure guilt that I might put myself at risk and make myself even more ill and not be around for Livvy. Also the huge family holiday to Turkey was booked last week and I think I will be due about a week before we are meant to go. So there is no chance we can go and Livvy would have loved it.

But today i realise that missing this holiday isn't the end of the world. Livvy is going to have a little brother or sister who will be around forever. Through good times and bad they will have each other and that makes me feel very peaceful.

I have another little life growing inside of me and it's once of the most precious thins you can ever do as a woman. I feel extemely lucky to have everything I have and i'm going to make sure I keep myself as well as possible so i'm around to enjoy it as long as possible and so Livvy and the "little pea" has their Mommy. And of course so Chris has his wife as much as sometimes i'm sure he would love to make me disappear with these hormones lol. Bye for now xxxx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

WOW!!

I have had a very emotional day! I cannot quite believe what has happened
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

New Shoes!!

WOW!! Livvy is now nearly 17 months old and I have always gone against putting pretty shoes etc on her little feet cos they dug into her chunky legs and also they never stayed on for more than 2 mins so I never saw the point.

Livvy has been walking for a good month or 2 now so was told she needed to have proper shoes on which will help her. So we went into town and the first shoe shop we went to measured her little feet and tried a couple of shoes on. Livvy was shaking cos she was so scared and crying! She didn' want us to put her down and refused to walk in the shoes like she was rooted to the spot lol! Considering she is a tough nut and hardly cries we were shocked at how dramatic she was being! Anyway they didn't have the shoes we wanted so we went to the other shop. They had the perfect shoes. Little black patent ones with 3 hearts by the heel that light up everytime she takes a step :) they are soooo cute. BUT £28!!! Bloody hell! Worth it though cos they look gorgeous.

Now we are home she is starting to walk around and is getting used to them bless her :)

So another mile stone reached and I cherish everyone of them. Even the restless nights and lack of appetite my angel is having at the moment due to 3 teeth coming through!!

Oh and just to add I am now SO addicted to COD Black Ops! Chris has got me into it and any spare time we have is spent playing it. And last but not least I have to say I am very proud of myself for doing all my treatments. It is very time consuming but I am feeling the benefit and feel very good. The swine flu was a big enough scare to kick me up the ass and in a way i'm glad I had it cos it has made me realise I need to start looking after myself and quick!

So all in all life is on the up. I feel very lucky to have my husband, Livvy and my lungs behaving themselves :) I refuse to let this illness beat me. I have too much to live for xxxx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Hospital

Today me, Chris and Livvy went to the hospital for my check up. It was sooner than normal cos I had a fit on xmas day and then another funny turn on sunday just gone. So I needed to go and speak to the doctors to make sure I was ok to drive and whether I needed more tests.

When we got to the hospital everyone loved seeing Livvy!! She was quite shy at first which shocked me lol.... I never thought our child could be shy but hey it didn't last long hehe! She was walking around looking extremly cute with her hair in bunches and a little dress on :) She behaved so well and she was so quite unlike when she is at home!!!

So anyway I spoke to the doc and explained what had happened and they didn't seem too concerned. They are going to refer me to a specialist just to make sure. Then I did my lung function which wasn't too bad. I was tight chested which restricted me but 1.7 over 3.2 isnt too bad so they are happy to let me go without any orals or IV's and want to see me back in 4 to 6 weeks!

Last year was a tough year and could barely go a couple of weeks without needing IV's so I am so happy that I have been off IV's for 3 weeks already and they don't wanna see me for another month or so! That is down to the fact I am doing my physio. Having Swine Flu last year scared me as I felt that bad. So basically I love my family too much to not do my treatment. And its paying off :)

So all in all it's not been a bad day at all. Only rubbish thing is my appetite is almost non existent which I don't usually suffer with so tryin to think of food I want!

Signing off now as babbled enough. I am a lucky girl to have what I have :) xxx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Now What?!?!

Ok so now I have actually finally set this up (BIG shout out to Mr Snazy!!) I am a bit stuck on what to write..... Even though I am one that can easily express myself now i have the means to do it I'm a bit stuck lol! I know for a fact I will get into the swing of things very quickly and I can explain my reason for starting this blog. But for now I will just say I am very happy that I have made this first step and I will be back very soon I'm sure! Ta ta for now :o) xxxx

Heeeey

La la la la laaaaaaa
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device