Wednesday 19 January 2011

Sinking In

It is well and truely sinking in today. I am alot more excited than I was yesterday. I was mostly scared and feeling very vunerable and maybe slightly guilty too.

The hardest of all those emotions to deal with is the guilt. Mainly cos Livvy can't go to Turkey in October. Even though my Mum has offered to take her anyway I just wouldn't feel right her being away from us for a week in a different country and mainly it is important she is at home with us all bonding together. Also guilt due to the strain it will put on my body and maybe make me ill afterwards so more hospital visits. BUT all I can do is look after myself and stay positive. I CAN do this, I WILL do this and everything will be AMAZING!! Cos when you really think about it what is more amazing than giving my daughter a sibling. They will be close in age and I am wishing that they will be very close in their relationship too.

I wanted a baby for so long and really thought I couldn't conceive but Chris came along and 3 months later the bun was in the oven. It was a dream come true. I cherished every part of my pregnancy and even labour I guess cos I never really thought I would ever do it again. I felt like the luckiest lady in the world to have my beautiful daughter and a hubby that keeps me on my toes but loves me and would do anything for me.

When livvy was born I was soooo broody still. It never went away cos she was such an angel and relatively easy. As easy as it can be when neither me and Chris had any experience with looking after children before lol! About 4 or so months after Livvy was born I thought I was pregnant again. Positive tests but the lines were very faint. To cut a long story short it didn't work out and it made us realise that maybe we were not ready for another one so we took the necessary precautions. Then the middle of last year my want for another baby hadn't stopped or eased so me and Chris talked and we decided to go and speak to my consultants at the hospital and see what they thought. To our huge surprise due to my health being so up and down since having Livvy they said they would support us and be happy if we tried. They would never have done that if they didn't think it was a good idea! So we tried for about 3 months and nothing happened. I kept getting infections and ending up in hospital so we decided to stop trying. I think that was the first time since having Livvy I had accepted that thought of never having another child. In all honest of course I was slightly disappointed BUT we had our beautiful angel who on a day to day basis never fails to make me so very happy :)

So that pretty much brings me up to the last week or so of being exhausted, strange dreams, strange appetite and the biggest of all the hormones lol! I seriously never thought I could be pregnant! So yesterday we went to my sisters after taking Livvy to have her MMR which was horrible BTW! And I was telling her how I was feeling and she said to go and get a test. In the end we decided to and WOW!!! I weed on the stick and watched the line on the test get darker and darker until I could no longer tell myself the line was my imagination lol. Chris was the same too. Everytime we looked it was just darker. We were both in complete and utter shock.

Instantly I just felt pure guilt that I might put myself at risk and make myself even more ill and not be around for Livvy. Also the huge family holiday to Turkey was booked last week and I think I will be due about a week before we are meant to go. So there is no chance we can go and Livvy would have loved it.

But today i realise that missing this holiday isn't the end of the world. Livvy is going to have a little brother or sister who will be around forever. Through good times and bad they will have each other and that makes me feel very peaceful.

I have another little life growing inside of me and it's once of the most precious thins you can ever do as a woman. I feel extemely lucky to have everything I have and i'm going to make sure I keep myself as well as possible so i'm around to enjoy it as long as possible and so Livvy and the "little pea" has their Mommy. And of course so Chris has his wife as much as sometimes i'm sure he would love to make me disappear with these hormones lol. Bye for now xxxx
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1 comment:

  1. Woohoo, congratulations guys, very happy for you all, another lucky child will be born to a great couple.
    Sunds like you are making some very difficult decisions in a very mature and rational way,so well done for that. Not always easy to do the right thing.

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