One Of The Hardest Things.....

So in the last few nights I have been waking up very breathless and coughing, needing my inhaler to ease my lungs a bit. For the last 2 weeks my health has been declining slowly.

I am so used to declining so quickly and before I know it I feel terrible and it takes ages to recover but since I have been looking after myself this time the decline is slow and steady and manageable which makes a refreshing change and gives me the boost I need to carry on doing the relentless treatment.

So... I have been feeling a bit rubbish so decided to call the hospital and ask to come in for some intravenous antibiotics before getting really really poorly. At the moment simple things like talking on the phone or walking around picking up Livvy's toys makes me out of breath and thats not normal for me.

When I come into hospital I have to have a line put into me so that the intravenous (IV) antibiotics go straight into my blood steam. Due to being poorly all my life my vains have been used so many times they can barely be used which obviously makes IV antibiotics impossible as they are a 2 week course, 3 times a day and involves putting through 2 antibiotics and various flushes. So having an easily accessible line is very very important. I have something in my chest called a Vascuport. They used to be made out of titanium but are now plastic. I had actually had 7 put in over the years. I was one of the first children to have one fitted ever! So how it works is the port is put under the skin in an operation and there is a tube attached to it which feeds into one of my main vains. Its meant to last roughly 6 years but they can get infected or blocked and they need removing earlier than the 6 years. When I need IV's I have a needle inserted into the port and the needle stays there for the 2 weeks.

So I have my needle inserted then usually the next day I have something called dessensitisation. Its basically where they inject me over 6 hours with something that I am allergic to lol!! It sounds completely crazy and I guess it is but for me its my life and normality. The reason they have to do that is cos I have developed alergies to pretty much every antibiotic I can have apart from one and the one I can have is not safe in pregnancy! So everytime I came into hospital I have this long process to get my body used to a drug that I am allergic to. They start off injecting small doses and increase it every time a bag ends. I have never reacted to a drug after having this process done but I know my friends have gone through it and still reacted.

So thats a pretty short version of what I have to do. Far too long and boring to explain fully!

The point of this blog tonight is to say that walking out of the door of my house today and saying goodbye to my husband and my daughter was so very difficult. Livvy was watching me pack my case not having a clue what I was doin but still knowing it wasn't normal. It broke my heart. Though I am so so lucky to have an amazing hubby who looks after our daughter so well its something I dont have to worry about when I have to go. Thank you Chris for being the best daddy anyone could ever wish for. Livvy is a lucky girl to have you and i'm very lucky too. I really appreciate everything you do for us :o)

Gonna go now as One Born Every Minute is on and I get excited everytime I watch it cos it will be me giving birth in a few months time EEEEEK lol! Can't wait!!!

Love you Livvy and Chris and I miss you both like crazy xxxx
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My 2 Special People xx

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Poser! Lol

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Simply Beautiful xx

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Reason!

There is 1 big and main reason I started doing this blog....

My good friend gave me the idea after I was confiding in him about a few things that are very in depth and personal.

But I can't keep it to myself as it defeats the object of writing it!!

I'm not sure if I can put these feelings into words but I guess I have to try!!

So..... The main reason for writing this blog to be blunt is so that if anything happens to me while Livvy is still young she will be able to come on here one day and see just how much she means to me. Obviously that now extends to my unborn little one too but for now I can only speak of my intense love for my daughter :o)

She is my absolute world. I never thought I would have a baby at all and I just feel so blessed to have the chance to be a mommy. To guide a new life and to give her everything she needs and hopefully everything she wants is all I live for now. Livvy lights up my life every single day without fail. I have never gone a day without feeling so completely lucky to have had her. It's a pleasure to watch her growing up and I feel privaledged to call her my daughter.

Like I said I can never put into words truely how I feel cos the words haven't been invented to show such feeling and POWER.

I love you Olivia Moult with all my heart and promise I will always be with you wherever you are throughout your special life xxxxxxx
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My Angel and Her Playhouse!

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Bump!

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My Beautiful Bracelet!

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Events!

Sometimes being around someone 24/7 is not a good thing. We are both used to spending time apart while i'm in hospital but due to the fact I have been alot better recently I haven't been away from home.

So..... In all honesty I think we both got complacent with each other. No effort was being made to take care of the house and no effort was made to have any special time together. It was all Black Ops at every available opportunity and that is just not good enough.

When I was pregnant with Livvy I cherished every small or large change in my body that being pregnant effected. This time i'm finding my changing body harder to come to terms with and feel unattractive. I am so in love with my hubby and fancy him rotten so it's soooo important to me that he feels the same.

Things sometimes have to come to a head so that it can change. And it definately came to a head. I'm very glad even though I can't stand us arguing cos things are going to change!!! A rota has been written and put on the fridge, we have talked and I have said what my expectations are. I know i'm not perfect and I have to change too.

We don't have an easy life, either of us, for different reasons. But there are things we can do to make it easier for both of us. For now we need to appreciate my growing bump, our beautiful daughter thats constantly changing and developing, a lovely house and garden (if we look after it!), we both found our soul mate and have commited ourselves to each other for life and not everyone is lucky enough to find that, and appreciate my health having the first bit of stability in well over 12 months!

I have ALOT to live for and intend on living it to the full with the people I love with all my heart :o)

Oh and BTW..... It's valentines day today and Chris got me the most beautiful charm bracelet that he picked himself!! I couldn't have picked better myself it seriously is gorgeous, I am very lucky! :o) Bye for now xxxx
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I Am Pregnant!

It keeps dawning on me! I am nearly 7 weeks now :o)

Chest is still doing well. It's been nearly one and a half months since I had IV's. I had my port flushed today for the first time in god knows how long due to the fact I have needed so many lots of antibiotics last year!

Livvy was super sick last night. She hasn't been sick since she was a baby bless her. And due to the fact I cooked a lovely roast with garlic potatoes it really did not look or smell good coming back up!!! YUK!!! Chris had it all over him too lol sorry babe :op

My belly is growing by the day which is lovely but making me wonder how big i'm going to get this time. I was pretty small with Livvy so i'm hoping for the same so my lungs don't get too squashed. Especially as i'm going to be heavily pregnant through the summer!

Well I have just finished my nebs and my in laws are here so i'm going to go now. Black ops is calling later too hehe :o) bye for now xx
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Watching TV Through Her Drum lol!

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Livvy's New Beanbag

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Never A Quiet Life!

If my life wasn't full of ups and downs it would be very boring but sometimes more ups would be nicer.....

So a week after I found out I was pregnant I was having tummy cramps and so I went to the doctors and they arranged a scan for me. We went to worcester hospital to the Early Pregnancy Unit and had our scan. Everything looked normal and they dated me at around 5 weeks. They could see the yolk and sac which is normal for this stage. So all was good and we went home.

Things started to go wrong when we walked in the door. It was 10 days since Livvy had her MMR jab and had been warned she could have side effects but nothing major just a temperature. Well she was shaking from head to toe and slightly blue around her mouth. We just couldn't get her temperature down even though she was dosed up on medecine. We just gave her loads of cuddles and tryied to keep her as cool and comfortable as possible. She went to bed and at 9pm I was feeling exhaused and went to bed myself. I checked on Livvy as usual before going to bed as she was being slightly restless and when I went in she was shaking from head to toe uncontrolably and didn't even move when I walked in.

I have never ever ever contemplated having Livvy in bed with us but that night I didn't want her out of my sight as never seen her like that before. I took her into our bedroom and in the light you could see she was blue on her lips, hands and feet. Instantly I got the number for NHS direct to get some advice. The person andswered and took all of the details and said she was going to put me through to a nurse. By this time she was blue around her cheeks, legs, nails and pretty much everywhere :o( so I told the nurse this and she called an ambulance straight away. I broke down on the phone as I was terrified. My poor little angel had to go in the ambulance which blue lighted its way to Worcester hospital while she was on oxygen. Her oxygen levels were low but by the time we got there they checked again and they were fine and she had perked up too.

The doctor came and asked a few questions and said he can't see anything wrong with her and it was probably the jabs that caused the reaction. The doctor was a bit of an idiot and annoyed the hell out of all of us!! Chris wanted to give him a kick up the ass lol.....

So we took her home about 1 in the morning. She went blue again but not as bad about 4am and then again at 9am and then that was the worst over with. She just kept picking up from then on. That was over a week ago and she has only just got back to normal today. Me and Chris were terrified seeing her so poorly and being so helpless. I am just glad she is better.

Poor Chris is either gonna go grey or have a heart attack with me and Livvy testing his emotions! 2 ambulances called in just over a month. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger lol!! This is why it makes me slightly annoyed when people think they have issues when really they haven't got a clue. I know there are a hell of alot of people out there that have it tougher than us. I'm glad my life is not straightforward else i wouldn't cherish and appreciate all the little things that make life amazing and worthwhile :o)

This week has been pretty chilled out apart from I had a bleed on tuesday morning and had to go for another scan to make sure the baby was ok. They told me I was about 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and due on 29th September. Thats 3 days after Livvys birthday!!!! AND we got to see the heartbeat good and strong :o) only seems like yesterday we were doing that for Livvy's scans.

I'm still doing my treatments and chest feels really really great. I have started to get a belly already which is lovely but is making me wonder how big i'm going to get this time!

Bye for now xxx
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