So after that cryptic start I will get on with letting the emotion flow lol!
I have been in hospital for just over 2 weeks now. I spoke to the doctors and they do not want me to go due to my lung function only being up to 50% even after 2 weeks of iv's which is bad news for me. I am usually back up to normal lung function by now but for some reason my body is deciding to not help me out at all. I am doing extra physio and taking my medication but nothing is working. The docs were also concerned about my weight loss and sickness which only seems fixed when I eat my much loved fresh roast chicken sandwiches on tiger bread with chicken dripping (yes lovely high calories and I do it cos I can :o).) So when I spoke to the docs I agreed with them to stay in for an extra week of ivs or until my lung function comes back up to where it should be. I made a deal and said I would only stay if they let me go home for the weekend and they agreed which made me very happy.
I counted down the days until friday and was so excited that my hubby was picking me up for the first time :o) I was so chuffed when he came to get me. He wheeled me down in a wheel chair as I didn't have the strength to walk to the car and it was actually sunny outside and warm! Wow what a lucky weekend to be out with my family! Shades on, windows down, driving away from the hospital with Chris was pretty perfect!!
We got home and Livvy was so happy to see me she just wanted lots of cuddles and grabbed my hand and said "come on Mommy come in the kitchen!". She wanted some of "Mommy's special Ribena" the cheeky bugger lol! Then she gobsmacked me! My 2.5 year old daughter has now learnt to change the dvd in the PS3! Presses the button to eject the previous choice of dvd, puts it back, gets the next case and puts in the next dvd! These are the things I miss! I miss her learning these things. I'm sure some people say well that's silly its nothing special?! Well to me it is THE most precious moments.... Those little things she says and learns and she does things with so much care and precision it makes me burst with pride. She is a clever little girl and I really hope she always pushes herself to do her best as I know she can achieve anything she wants to just like me :o) Chris said to me that she is so stubborn like me lol! She would rather go without what she wants if she doesn't want to do what we are asking which is just like me its scary hehe!
Jayden woke up from his nap and Livvy wanted to "go see Jaydeeeen" and for me to pick her up and take her with me. There was no way I was saying no after just walking in the door even though I wondered how I would have the strength. I picked her up easily as she lost weight with her sickness bug so I thought it was fine. Started to try and walk up the stairs and my legs just were not working! I had to grab the rail and pull myself up with my one hand as I wouldn't put Livvy down in a million years. To say the least I was exhausted by the top and had to sit down for a minute. I will be honest as always and say it really took me by complete surprise as I have never in my nearly 29 years ever felt like that before and it scared me. That was just another reminder of a new bad things that has happened along with my non movable lung function. My muscles from sitting in a hospital bed for 2 weeks and not moving enough has made me weak and unable to do something simple like walk up the stairs! Wow! And not a good wow!
Anyway, as usual I love to cook and craved my roast chicken so cooked a dinner for the 4 of us. I loved watching the kids eat my food and love it. It makes all the effort so worthwhile. I was exhausted by then but had a lovely afternoon of cuddles and kisses and laughing. They went to bed and fell straight to sleep bless them :o) They are good kids. I had a chillax with my feet up on the hubby and caught up on some tv that we usually watch together then it started. About 10 ish Friday night I started to feel so unsettled and restless. My whole body wouldn't keep still. We went to bed and it was even worse. I felt terrible. The hospital hadn't sent me home on the medication I needed so it was a result of that. Cut a long story short my good neighbour helped me out and I had a little bit of sleep.
This morning I woke up and I couldn't believe it when I still felt the same way! I thought it would have stopped but it hadn't. I felt worse! I was weaker than yesterday and just didn't feel right at all. I pushed myself to wash up a bit and put some washing on and gave Jay and Livs their brekkie. I tried to keep busy but nothing worked. Chris knew I wasn't right and was struggling. It started to become clearer and clearer that I needed to go back to hospital :o(
I felt like the biggest let down and failure of a Mother and Wife that I have ever felt. I was meant to be enjoying what little time I had at home and my stupid bloody body couldn't even behave enough to let me relax. I cried and cried again and cried again and I'm not a cryer lol! I had told Livvy I would make cakes with her.... I couldn't do it :o( how can I begin to explain to a 2 year old why I am exhausted and not well. All she kept asking the whole time I was home was to be picked up and cuddle and I had to keep saying no! Do you know how that feels????
My deepest, darkest worry is that my kids will be screwed up and unhappy when they realise I was ill and still decided to have them. Will they hate me for it? It scares me so much to think they might and it breaks my heart as they are so loved and cherished. Please don't hate me for wanting to be a Mommy I just love you more with each breath I take.
Anyway..... Count to 10 and pull myself together!
My in laws were at ours and offered to take me back to hospital so I repacked all my clean jimjams and prepared to leave. Chris went to the shop and got me a big bag of goodies (chocolate, crisps, sweets, ribena) to take in with me bless him :o) I said my goodbyes, cried again and left. Livvy was engrosed in watching Bolt and eating a chocolate muffin and didn't even turn her head to tell me she "loves me lots". And I left.....
I am back in hospital and from somewhere I found some more motivation that must have been hiding! I need to strengthen my legs mostly. If anyone had walked in my room when I was doing these exercises they would have wondered what the hell I was doing lol! Kept going until my legs gave up so had a rest for a bit then went for a brisk walk and even jogged a few strides then came back to my room. I am done for today but tomorrow is a new day someone once told me! And indeed it is a new day that can get looked at with a new perspective. That is the plan and now I have had a taste of home it was the kick up the arse I needed so only I can help myself now so its in my hands! I cannot take anything for granted......
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