Friday 27 May 2011

Feeling Down

I managed to stay positive for over 24 hours and even though Lisa is bringing Chris and Livvy over to see me in the morning I still feel miserable being in here away from them both.

Just feel empty and lonely and my heart physically aches for a cuddle from them both.

I love hearing Livvy chatting in the background when me and Chris are speaking on the phone and I cherish every single picture Chris sends me of Livvy doing different things.... But with each picture and each phone call it hurts more to be away from them.

I have tried all sorts of things to get through my time in here and nothing seems to help it just gets harder the longer I'm here. They are worth it though and would do 1000000 days in here for 1 day with my Livvy :o)

Gonna get back to watching corrie now and hopefully Pea will wake up soon and start kicking the hell out of me to remind me I'm not alone xxx
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Back Again

I'm back in hospital again but I don't feel terrible so it's ok.

I woke up this morning alone and it's so strange! I'm used to hearing Livvy chatting and laughing to herself which always gives me that motivation to get up out of bed cos I know that a cuddle and kiss are waiting for me :o) that makes everything worthwhile. Then we go downstairs and I usually go to the toilet and she comes with me lol! She is now officially named as my toilet buddy hahaha :o) It feels odd when she isn't there when I go now!!

Then I usually make a cup of coffee and recently been followed by a bowl of curry for brekkie! Then we sit down and watch some TV together. Sometimes she sits on me and sometimes she is just walking around and playing with her toys but when I put the baby/birthing programmes on Livvy loves watching them! She has her little ritual that she does about 5 times a day without any prompting from anyoe where she comes up to me, pulls up my top, kisses my bump, pulls my top back down and waves goodbye :o) it's the sweetest thing ever.

I think Livvy understands that there is something in there but I don't think she realises that something is going to come out kicking and screaming and taking attention from her Mommy and Daddy! But I know me and Chris will do our best and we are both good parents so I know it will be fine :o)

The point of this post was cos I am not at home to be able to do these things writing it down makes me remember in detail what I do in the morning and it's almost like doing it for real..... But it's not the same obviously it just helps me a little bit :o)

Missin you loads Chris and Livvy, you are both my absolute world xxxx
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Wednesday 25 May 2011

My Hubby Is THE BEST!!!

My gorgeous, sexy and amazing hubby has just passed his theory driving test and I'm so so so proud of him! He called me to tell me and I have been cryin like a baby ever since lol!!

Bring on the driving test and then there is no stopping us :o) xxxxx love you Chris xxxxx
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Monday 23 May 2011

Livvy and Her Grandad xx

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My Little Nutter xx

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Me and My Sis xx

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Beautiful Views! X

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Matching! Xx

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One Thing After Another!

After having been suffering for WEEKS with breathlessness due to being pregnant I went to the hospital clinic to ask for advice on anything extra I could do to help myself.

At clinic they always check your lung function and weight before seeing the docs. I did the usual blowing into the machine and OH MY GOD!!!! It was an amazing blow!! I refused to believe this machine was telling me the truth so did another blow and it was near enough the same. I said to the nurse that was helping me that it has been years since i blew anything like that and I just don't believe the machine it right. So the nurse went and got another machine and I did another blow and to my amazement and confusion it was near enough the same!!

It took a long time for it to sink in but while we were sat there we looked over my old charts to see when my last lung function was when I got it to that and we found it as far back as December 2007!!!! WOWEEEE lol! After struggling to breath for weeks and going there to ask for help I couldn't believe this was real.

I am so VERY proud of myself as the reson I believe this happened was due to me doing all of my nebs, physio and colomycin religiously. It bloody works I tell you lol! All the physio's, nurses and doctors laugh when I say treatment works as they say they have been trying to tell me for who knows how many years! But I had to do it all off my own back. It was no good anyone telling me to do my treatment as I never listened.

So I left hospital feeling ontop of the world but still slightly concerned that I was breathless and there was nothing much I could do.

It's amazing what power of the mind is and how it works as I swear miraculously overnight I stopped being breathless! It's no joke I swear I haven't been breathless since that day and thats nearly a week ago..... Just being in a more positive state of mind helps your body so much its unreal. It's a shame I can't be this positive all the time but hey I'm only human....

So on the Tuesday was the day I went to hospital and on the Wednesday I started coughing up some darker greener stickier stuff whilst doing physio. I didn't really think much of it as I was just greatful to be breathing better. On Friday me, my Mum and sister Lindsey travelled down to my cousin Jodie's wedding in Newquay. On the morning we went I woke up and was coughing up blood. It was more than my usual amount which is usually just streaks through my sputum. But this was blood surrounding the sputum and it kept happening for about 2 hours everytime I coughed anything up before I left. I still wanted to go to the wedding so I drove down there. It was absolutely beautiful!! The hotel was set on the hill right on the sea :o) when you looked out of the windows it looked like we were floating on the sea, it was just stunning! I knew it would be a long day but my Mum was meant to be driving home so I didn't have to but it ended up me driving home which we left at about 11pm. I was very naughty and got home in 2.5 hours which I'm told is pretty good going lol oooops naughty Kimmy ;op.....

I woke up the next day at 7 on the dot as usual since I have been pregnant and needless to say I was exhausted!!! I coughed and spat out my sputum but the problem was there was more blood than sputum and it worried me quite alot. My chest had been aching since the previous day and this didn't look good. There was no one I could phone as the docs don't work weekends so it was a case of if it carried on going into hospital through A&E or seeing how it was through the day. So I did my nebs as your not meant to do hard physio when coughing up blood as you can make it worse. As I did my nebs I coughed up sputum with just some streaks through it which was reassuring. After that I haven't had any blood at all but my sputum is very very thick and dark which indicates infection and also chest is still really aching and painful at times.

I called the CF nurses for some advice and they said if I cough up anymore blood to get up there straight away and if my sputum gets worse then to go up there. To be honest I'm better off getting myself sorted now than waiting and maybe getting really poorly.

So in 1 week I have gone from having the best lung function in 3.5 years to coughing up blood and needing to go in for IV's again. Can't say my life isn't eventful lol!

So I will phone hospital in the morning and see if they have a bed available and yet again I have to leave my 2 fave people at home and go up there alone booo :o( oh well I need to get myself sorted. I just hate coming home and Livvy is really strange with me for days. I don't know if I'm looking forward to her being old enough that I can explain things to her or whether its easier as she doesn't know too much? Either way It's bloody horrible for me.

This time though is slightly different as my baby boy is always making himself known and I will feel like a have another part of the family right there with me :o) He is kicking as I write this as if in agreement with his Mommy hehehe! Xxxx
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Saturday 14 May 2011

Stunning xxx

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Livvy and Eryn :o)

Eryn is Livvy's cousin but Livvy thinks Eryn is her best friend! Xx
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Doin my IV's

On holiday in Great Yarmouth :o) we picked the best week for weather but I had just come out of hospital. Still had the best time :o) xxx
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Awwwww!!

She has no idea whats coming lol xxx
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Cakes At Easter xx

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Bah Humbug!!

I am 28 tomorrow OMG! I have never felt so old. I have been miserable pretty much all day cos I don't wanna get any older. It's not just a number for me it's a much deeper reason which I wish I could just bloody forget GRRRR!

I really just wanna stay in bed and not have to speak to anyone but Livvy Loo all day! Obviously that isn't gonna happen but I can dream lol......

Oh well here's to another year! I know I have lots to look forward to with the new baby and the fact Livvy makes me almost wet myself on a daily basis but just wish I could erase tomorrow xxx
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Someone On The CF Forum Asked......

Whether people believe that when you die you live on or you go somewhere different..... it's a question I often wonder but I always like to be realistic and say absolutely nothing awaits people that die. I'm not being harsh I just think that once your gone, your gone! BUT on the CF forum when this was asked there were a load of rubbis replies and one great one......

"We come from the stars, we go back to the stars. The stars die and form new stars. It's an (almost) endless cycle of birth, death and renewal. At least until the ultimate conclusion of the second law of thermodynamics. So; until the heat death of the entire universe, party on"

It's not such a bad way of looking at things and much more realistic than the whole God will save you rubbish lol! xxx

Thursday 12 May 2011

:o)

Excuse the fact i have no make up on! Lol can't look beautiful all the time hahaha xx
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Tuesday 10 May 2011

WOWZERS!!

Ok so.... I had more to update before I got to this but I just had to write on here straight away!!!

I'm having a baby boy :o) me and Chris are proper chuffed!! We are so very lucky to be parents to one of each.

No pictures as unfortunately baby was in the worst possible position so I have another scan on Monday to get the head measurements etc and hopefully a decent picture.

Soooo excited YAY! Livvy is gonna be the best big sister and now she has a brother to look after her too :o) just PERFECT xxxx
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