Down Times!

I'm not sure where to start as it seems like forever since I wrote my feelings down on my blog. When I started my blog I was in such a positive place in my life but recently things just seemed to be going wrong. Piling up ontop of me and making me want to scream!

My problem is that when bad things happen to me or life gets a bit tough I tend to put up a wall. A wall that has a VERY hard exterior that nothing much penetrates..... I stay in my own little world of being down and no one can really help me. I end up being vile to people around me and taking it out on them. Not intentinally of course its natural. What I find difficult now is that when I feel like this I still have my daughter to think about and thats where I am hard on myself and I don't allow myself to be sad or unhappy without feeling guilty for not getting a grip when I have my daughter to think about. And my husband of course. But one thing I have taken nearly 28 years to work out is that I am the only person that can get myself back up off the floor. I am so stubborn that I won't listen to others in my time of need. I have to figure it all out for myself.

So..... going back to the start of my sad time was the passing of someone I used to be close to as mentioned in a previous blog. I was married to this person. Our relationship was just not right really from the start but he was a good man and I thought things would be ok. They weren't!! We both moved onto relationships where we found our next Wife and Husband straight away which is strange but true! We stayed friends for a while but things didn't work out where that was concerned either and we broke contact for everyones sake. By complete fluke I found out he had a brain tumour. It was sad that I had to find out through a friend and that not he or his family felt it necessary to tell me. But hey ho that is his choice and who was I to question it. I heard it was a very bad and big tumour and that once they removed it they found it was cancerous and he needed 9 months of chemo. Tas had been very very close to my parents and family as he had moved up to the Midlands from London to be with me and they took him in as one of us and he felt at ease around them and they were always there for him even more than his own parents most of the time. So my parents and family found it a great shock when I told them this news. Unfortunately the tumour changed him which made him push away a hell of alot of people in his life who cared about him including long term friends and my family. So to cut a long story short we never really knew how he was over the next year or so after the tumour was removed so it came as a MASSIVE shock to get a call off a mutual friend who told me Tas had passed away. I wasn't going to go into this kind of detail as this is my past and I'm not really sure if it is something Livvy should read BUT after alot of thinking about it I think she will understand that I needed to write this down. It's not a sinister past its just that Tas was a big part of my life at one point and I think he deserves a mention. There is more drama surrounding this situation regarding the flat but that is my private business and have no intention of airing it here. All I will finish by saying is Tas you were a good guy and didn't deserve this hand in life. I'm glad he had someone to hold his hand in his final hours and to love him how he deserved to be loved RIP Tas.