Saturday 24 March 2012
The Most Precious Gift
Ups And Major Downs
I think I just need a real good emotional outlet right now before I explode. To be honest I have already exploded a few times and it was completely necessary so I don't and won't feel guilty or bad for that! I would love to explode a few more times but I'm choosing not to as right now my energy is better spent on more important things!
So after that cryptic start I will get on with letting the emotion flow lol!
I have been in hospital for just over 2 weeks now. I spoke to the doctors and they do not want me to go due to my lung function only being up to 50% even after 2 weeks of iv's which is bad news for me. I am usually back up to normal lung function by now but for some reason my body is deciding to not help me out at all. I am doing extra physio and taking my medication but nothing is working. The docs were also concerned about my weight loss and sickness which only seems fixed when I eat my much loved fresh roast chicken sandwiches on tiger bread with chicken dripping (yes lovely high calories and I do it cos I can :o).) So when I spoke to the docs I agreed with them to stay in for an extra week of ivs or until my lung function comes back up to where it should be. I made a deal and said I would only stay if they let me go home for the weekend and they agreed which made me very happy.
I counted down the days until friday and was so excited that my hubby was picking me up for the first time :o) I was so chuffed when he came to get me. He wheeled me down in a wheel chair as I didn't have the strength to walk to the car and it was actually sunny outside and warm! Wow what a lucky weekend to be out with my family! Shades on, windows down, driving away from the hospital with Chris was pretty perfect!!
We got home and Livvy was so happy to see me she just wanted lots of cuddles and grabbed my hand and said "come on Mommy come in the kitchen!". She wanted some of "Mommy's special Ribena" the cheeky bugger lol! Then she gobsmacked me! My 2.5 year old daughter has now learnt to change the dvd in the PS3! Presses the button to eject the previous choice of dvd, puts it back, gets the next case and puts in the next dvd! These are the things I miss! I miss her learning these things. I'm sure some people say well that's silly its nothing special?! Well to me it is THE most precious moments.... Those little things she says and learns and she does things with so much care and precision it makes me burst with pride. She is a clever little girl and I really hope she always pushes herself to do her best as I know she can achieve anything she wants to just like me :o) Chris said to me that she is so stubborn like me lol! She would rather go without what she wants if she doesn't want to do what we are asking which is just like me its scary hehe!
Jayden woke up from his nap and Livvy wanted to "go see Jaydeeeen" and for me to pick her up and take her with me. There was no way I was saying no after just walking in the door even though I wondered how I would have the strength. I picked her up easily as she lost weight with her sickness bug so I thought it was fine. Started to try and walk up the stairs and my legs just were not working! I had to grab the rail and pull myself up with my one hand as I wouldn't put Livvy down in a million years. To say the least I was exhausted by the top and had to sit down for a minute. I will be honest as always and say it really took me by complete surprise as I have never in my nearly 29 years ever felt like that before and it scared me. That was just another reminder of a new bad things that has happened along with my non movable lung function. My muscles from sitting in a hospital bed for 2 weeks and not moving enough has made me weak and unable to do something simple like walk up the stairs! Wow! And not a good wow!
Anyway, as usual I love to cook and craved my roast chicken so cooked a dinner for the 4 of us. I loved watching the kids eat my food and love it. It makes all the effort so worthwhile. I was exhausted by then but had a lovely afternoon of cuddles and kisses and laughing. They went to bed and fell straight to sleep bless them :o) They are good kids. I had a chillax with my feet up on the hubby and caught up on some tv that we usually watch together then it started. About 10 ish Friday night I started to feel so unsettled and restless. My whole body wouldn't keep still. We went to bed and it was even worse. I felt terrible. The hospital hadn't sent me home on the medication I needed so it was a result of that. Cut a long story short my good neighbour helped me out and I had a little bit of sleep.
This morning I woke up and I couldn't believe it when I still felt the same way! I thought it would have stopped but it hadn't. I felt worse! I was weaker than yesterday and just didn't feel right at all. I pushed myself to wash up a bit and put some washing on and gave Jay and Livs their brekkie. I tried to keep busy but nothing worked. Chris knew I wasn't right and was struggling. It started to become clearer and clearer that I needed to go back to hospital :o(
I felt like the biggest let down and failure of a Mother and Wife that I have ever felt. I was meant to be enjoying what little time I had at home and my stupid bloody body couldn't even behave enough to let me relax. I cried and cried again and cried again and I'm not a cryer lol! I had told Livvy I would make cakes with her.... I couldn't do it :o( how can I begin to explain to a 2 year old why I am exhausted and not well. All she kept asking the whole time I was home was to be picked up and cuddle and I had to keep saying no! Do you know how that feels????
My deepest, darkest worry is that my kids will be screwed up and unhappy when they realise I was ill and still decided to have them. Will they hate me for it? It scares me so much to think they might and it breaks my heart as they are so loved and cherished. Please don't hate me for wanting to be a Mommy I just love you more with each breath I take.
Anyway..... Count to 10 and pull myself together!
My in laws were at ours and offered to take me back to hospital so I repacked all my clean jimjams and prepared to leave. Chris went to the shop and got me a big bag of goodies (chocolate, crisps, sweets, ribena) to take in with me bless him :o) I said my goodbyes, cried again and left. Livvy was engrosed in watching Bolt and eating a chocolate muffin and didn't even turn her head to tell me she "loves me lots". And I left.....
I am back in hospital and from somewhere I found some more motivation that must have been hiding! I need to strengthen my legs mostly. If anyone had walked in my room when I was doing these exercises they would have wondered what the hell I was doing lol! Kept going until my legs gave up so had a rest for a bit then went for a brisk walk and even jogged a few strides then came back to my room. I am done for today but tomorrow is a new day someone once told me! And indeed it is a new day that can get looked at with a new perspective. That is the plan and now I have had a taste of home it was the kick up the arse I needed so only I can help myself now so its in my hands! I cannot take anything for granted......
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Monday 19 March 2012
Mother's Day!
Yesterday was Mother's day! I have been in hospital 9 days and missing my home life terribly.
I told nurses I was going home for a few hours (they looked at me, even with a full face of make up and hair done for the first time since I have been in and being dressed for that matter!) they said "are you sure Kim, you don't look well?" But of course there was absolutely nothing that could stand in my way of going to see my babies on Mother's day!!
So my Mum picked me up with her little dog Buddy and she drove me home. When I got home I got out of the car and heard a knocking..... It was Chris is Jayden's bedroom knocking and waving in the window :o) I walked in and Livvy was pleased but surprisingly she didn't seem too fazed with me being home, she was more happy to see Buddy lol! I have luckily been able to see Livvy even though we have both been so poorly but I hadn't seen Jayden once. It's the longest I have gone without seeing him.
I grabbed him off Chris and his little face just lit up when he looked at me. Even though he felt terrible he still managed to look chuffed :o)
I sat down with Jay in my arms and Livvy brought me my 2 cards and 2 pressies! Chris had been his usual kid at christmas self lol! He can't keep anything from me and I have to tell him not to tell me what my presents were!
So I opened my cards where Chris had let Livvy do a little scribble on which was lovely! I loved that little touch.... He always gets me a card from him too even though I don't expect a wifey card when it's Mother's Day but he always gets one and writes something lovely that makes me cry in it. Then I opened my first pressie which was 2 "mum" charms for my bracelet which I really liked. Chris told me I would cry when I saw the next present and he wasn't wrong lol! My 2nd pressie was a gorgeous necklace. The necklace opens up and there are 2 gorgeous pictures of Livvy and Jayden smiling away. Oh my word it means so much to me cos I wanted something that I could take into hospital and keep close to my heart. I haven't taken it off and I never want to. It is so beautiful and I couldn't have asked for anything better so thank you hubby and kiddies your the bestest ;o) xxx
The day did bring more tears. I very much doubt many people will understand what i'm about to say but i'm sure some people can imagine how terrible hard I found things yesterday. Reason being when I saw Jayden his hair had grown loads! His whole body had grown loads and his first tooth had come through properly. It absolutely devistates me that I miss even 1 day out of their precious lives let alone over a week. I'm sure alot of you think not alot changes in that time but take it from me ALOT changes! I started to cry whilst smelling my babies hair as I have missed that smell so much. I had an unusual moment where I felt sorry for myself. It doesn't happen very often and I am not proud that I feel like that sometimes. So yeah I did feel sorry for myself and yeah I did say "it's not fair". Judge me if you like but I am allowed to have my weak moments when I have to be strong so often. I pulled myself together quickly though as it doesn't do any good to feel like that for long.
My auntie Lisa came over with Eryn and Livvy absolutely loves them so she wanted to go with them and as much as I was desperate to spend time with her I wanted her to be happy and let her go. That left me and Chris time to chill together with Jay. Unfortunately "chilling" was never going to happen as Jay started to get alot more poorly. He had started a bad cough a few days ago but he started to get really wheezy. He didn't know what to do with himself as he is teething and had a high temperature ontop of everything else.
I got Chris to ring out of hours doctors and we got told to go to the local hospital to get checked out by the doctor. So from one hospital to another lol! I still had my hossy wristband on and wondered if they saw it and thought maybe I had escaped from the local mental asylum lol! Jay projectile vomited over Chris while we were in the waiting room which I must admit I did find slightly funny! We saw the doctor and she checked him over for a while and said he had bronchilitus. Unfortunately it is a virus so cannot really be treated unless their oxygen levels drop and then they would need oxygen.
We went home and I threw up as I cannot keep anything down at the moment and have lost a fair amount of weight. The only thing I had fancied to eat was roast chicken and tiger bread so I cooked a lovely chicken and had hot chicken sarnys YUM! Then I threw it all up! Sorry for too much info lol :o) I was really gutted, what a waste of nice food BOOO! Livvy came back and was asleep so Chris put her straight to bed. By this point I was starting to feel really poorly. Unusually I could barely walk up the stairs I just had no energy in my body at all and still felt so sick. I had to pull myself up the stairs by the bannister. I was in turmoil about leaving Chris yet again to look after a poorly child on his own. I seriously contemplated not going back into hospital. Chris was amazing and stayed calm and showed me he would be absolutely fine if I left and said he needed me to be well so I could look after him when he crashes after being on auto-pilot lol. I am so so greatful to him for holding it together so well. It is a shame to say he is getting used to such stress when I am in hospital. How sad is that to admit?! But it's true. We get crap and we deal with it, its as simple as that. My Mum rang and I asked if someone could take me back to hospital so my Dad had to take time off work to take me back which I really appreciated.
So I left with my new necklace close to my heart and it felt like I was taking a little bit of the kiddies with me. There is room for 2 more piccys in the necklace so I have room to add a family shot and a pic of me and Chris together. That is all I need :o)
I know I always say it and I'm sure most are sick of reading it but I want to thank my strong Christopher. Very very few people will understand how he feels having a terminally ill wife and having to hold things together when he wants to fall apart cos he has the kids to look after and worries about me all the time. If everyone had the strength of my husband the world would be a much better place. I am forever greatful that he is my partner and father to my children. He is my other half and I love him with all my heart. And Livvy and Jayden of course xxxxx
So Mother's Day was eventful but hey it's just another day in the 'Moult's' life and household. Appreciate and cherish the good times everyone cos you never know when they will stop or get taken away! xxx
I told nurses I was going home for a few hours (they looked at me, even with a full face of make up and hair done for the first time since I have been in and being dressed for that matter!) they said "are you sure Kim, you don't look well?" But of course there was absolutely nothing that could stand in my way of going to see my babies on Mother's day!!
So my Mum picked me up with her little dog Buddy and she drove me home. When I got home I got out of the car and heard a knocking..... It was Chris is Jayden's bedroom knocking and waving in the window :o) I walked in and Livvy was pleased but surprisingly she didn't seem too fazed with me being home, she was more happy to see Buddy lol! I have luckily been able to see Livvy even though we have both been so poorly but I hadn't seen Jayden once. It's the longest I have gone without seeing him.
I grabbed him off Chris and his little face just lit up when he looked at me. Even though he felt terrible he still managed to look chuffed :o)
I sat down with Jay in my arms and Livvy brought me my 2 cards and 2 pressies! Chris had been his usual kid at christmas self lol! He can't keep anything from me and I have to tell him not to tell me what my presents were!
So I opened my cards where Chris had let Livvy do a little scribble on which was lovely! I loved that little touch.... He always gets me a card from him too even though I don't expect a wifey card when it's Mother's Day but he always gets one and writes something lovely that makes me cry in it. Then I opened my first pressie which was 2 "mum" charms for my bracelet which I really liked. Chris told me I would cry when I saw the next present and he wasn't wrong lol! My 2nd pressie was a gorgeous necklace. The necklace opens up and there are 2 gorgeous pictures of Livvy and Jayden smiling away. Oh my word it means so much to me cos I wanted something that I could take into hospital and keep close to my heart. I haven't taken it off and I never want to. It is so beautiful and I couldn't have asked for anything better so thank you hubby and kiddies your the bestest ;o) xxx
The day did bring more tears. I very much doubt many people will understand what i'm about to say but i'm sure some people can imagine how terrible hard I found things yesterday. Reason being when I saw Jayden his hair had grown loads! His whole body had grown loads and his first tooth had come through properly. It absolutely devistates me that I miss even 1 day out of their precious lives let alone over a week. I'm sure alot of you think not alot changes in that time but take it from me ALOT changes! I started to cry whilst smelling my babies hair as I have missed that smell so much. I had an unusual moment where I felt sorry for myself. It doesn't happen very often and I am not proud that I feel like that sometimes. So yeah I did feel sorry for myself and yeah I did say "it's not fair". Judge me if you like but I am allowed to have my weak moments when I have to be strong so often. I pulled myself together quickly though as it doesn't do any good to feel like that for long.
My auntie Lisa came over with Eryn and Livvy absolutely loves them so she wanted to go with them and as much as I was desperate to spend time with her I wanted her to be happy and let her go. That left me and Chris time to chill together with Jay. Unfortunately "chilling" was never going to happen as Jay started to get alot more poorly. He had started a bad cough a few days ago but he started to get really wheezy. He didn't know what to do with himself as he is teething and had a high temperature ontop of everything else.
I got Chris to ring out of hours doctors and we got told to go to the local hospital to get checked out by the doctor. So from one hospital to another lol! I still had my hossy wristband on and wondered if they saw it and thought maybe I had escaped from the local mental asylum lol! Jay projectile vomited over Chris while we were in the waiting room which I must admit I did find slightly funny! We saw the doctor and she checked him over for a while and said he had bronchilitus. Unfortunately it is a virus so cannot really be treated unless their oxygen levels drop and then they would need oxygen.
We went home and I threw up as I cannot keep anything down at the moment and have lost a fair amount of weight. The only thing I had fancied to eat was roast chicken and tiger bread so I cooked a lovely chicken and had hot chicken sarnys YUM! Then I threw it all up! Sorry for too much info lol :o) I was really gutted, what a waste of nice food BOOO! Livvy came back and was asleep so Chris put her straight to bed. By this point I was starting to feel really poorly. Unusually I could barely walk up the stairs I just had no energy in my body at all and still felt so sick. I had to pull myself up the stairs by the bannister. I was in turmoil about leaving Chris yet again to look after a poorly child on his own. I seriously contemplated not going back into hospital. Chris was amazing and stayed calm and showed me he would be absolutely fine if I left and said he needed me to be well so I could look after him when he crashes after being on auto-pilot lol. I am so so greatful to him for holding it together so well. It is a shame to say he is getting used to such stress when I am in hospital. How sad is that to admit?! But it's true. We get crap and we deal with it, its as simple as that. My Mum rang and I asked if someone could take me back to hospital so my Dad had to take time off work to take me back which I really appreciated.
So I left with my new necklace close to my heart and it felt like I was taking a little bit of the kiddies with me. There is room for 2 more piccys in the necklace so I have room to add a family shot and a pic of me and Chris together. That is all I need :o)
I know I always say it and I'm sure most are sick of reading it but I want to thank my strong Christopher. Very very few people will understand how he feels having a terminally ill wife and having to hold things together when he wants to fall apart cos he has the kids to look after and worries about me all the time. If everyone had the strength of my husband the world would be a much better place. I am forever greatful that he is my partner and father to my children. He is my other half and I love him with all my heart. And Livvy and Jayden of course xxxxx
So Mother's Day was eventful but hey it's just another day in the 'Moult's' life and household. Appreciate and cherish the good times everyone cos you never know when they will stop or get taken away! xxx
Friday 16 March 2012
Hard Times
I don't want to make this a long winded blog as honestly I have not got the energy.
I am in hospital again and feeling exhausted. Having loads of tests to try and figure out what's going on so hopefully soon I will feel much better.
A very special mention goes to my amazing hubby! Reason being out little Livvy has been so so poorly. She hasn't kept any food down, terrible cough and cold with a high temp. I unfortunately had to go through a&e as I started having temps and feeling rotten. So Chris has taken care of our babies so well. I know he is on auto-pilot and he will be until I get home. I know him so well and I know he is staying strong for all of us right now and that shows true strength and dedication to his family :o) I am very lucky to have him and the kids are lucky to have a fully commited Daddy who has given up everything for them and me and always does his best no matter how scared or worries he might be. Chris I love you and thank you for taking care of us all xxx
I have been in for a week today and managed to see Livvy for the first time as my Mum brought her in to see me. I was fast asleep and all I heard was "MOMMY!!" Livvy ran into my room calling me and looked chuffed to see me. I have never been so happy to see her in my life! I could tell she was a bit poorly still but she seemed happy enough. Poor girl had thrown up in the car on the way in to see me. I'm gutted I haven't been able to see Jayden but I know he is less effected by not seeing me.
I am lay on my bed with my door open and there are a couple of young CF sufferers sat in the room opposite. I know I am nosey but I can't help it! I turned down my tv so I could listen to their conversation. What made me listen is the lad saying something about "kicking the bucket" and it made me feel sad. Sad cos I have had those conversations with my friends. Most of them are not here anymore as I have mentioned previously. I can hear the worry in their voices and the uncertainty of their future. I wish I could go and tell them that everything will be fine but I can't! Who knows what their future holds.
It made me think.... No matter what my future holds I am blessed with being a Mommy to 2 amazing kids and a wife to my forgeous husband. So whatever my future holds and however scary it may be I am blessed to have what I have and many people will never know or feel how I do right now.
Xxx
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Wednesday 7 March 2012
Homemade Stock!
Pub!
Morning!
Sunday 4 March 2012
Forever Greatful...
Me and Chris were sat watching the semi final of Got To Dance where there was a little girl of 4 or 5 that was dancing. She was taught by her mother who seemed very strict in practices with her daughter.
Chris commented and said how she shouldn't be so pushy with her little girl but it lead me to think about giving your children direction in life.
I really am a firm believer in really pushing your kids to succeed in whatever it is they enjoy. Its good for them to feel like they have a talent or are good at something and can be the very best they could ever be doing that particular thing. I also believe that your kids must be happy in whatever they do! Yes push them to be good and develop a passion but only of things that they enjoy and want to do.
There are plenty of times I'm sure kids would love to curl up infront of the TV instead of going out into the cold to play football or tennis or whatever skill they possess. But it is our responsibility as parents to push our kids when they might be being a little bit lazy.
The reason I say this is I am forever greatful to my parents for pushing me and making sure I persued my passion for horse riding.
I competed at a very high level of showing my ponies and won some very big competitions. The one thing I am proud of is that we were a team between me, my mum and my dad and so much hard work went into competing at that level. It wasn't just hard work it was a complete way of life! Our ponies were everything and every penny my parents had went on them. And every penny I had went on them to be fair :o)
I tell Chris about after school every day I would have to go out in all weathers to ride my ponies and nothing really stood in the way unless I was really ill! I remember my feet being that cold that when I started to warm them up it felt like they were being stabbed and it used to make me cry it hurt so bad! But I always knew that my hard work paid off and that was confirmed when I used to come home with red rosette's and trophies!
My parents started me riding ponies as a way of staying healthy as a physio had once told my parents that fitness would be the key to keeping me healthy and well. How true that statement is and was! Due to my parents commitment they kept me healthy with treatment but mainly fitness and not wrapping me in cotton wool! So what started out as a little hobby turned into an out and out passion that saw us travel all over the uk and ireland to compete. I met some amazing people, some who I am still in contact with now, and had the most amazing times around my horsey friends.
It was all made possible by my parents who pushed me to be the best cos they knew I was capable! When it came to when I was 15-16 years old I decided that it was the end of the road for me and my horse riding. It had begun to be a chore instead of a pleasure and it only took one conversation to say to them I didn't want to do it anymore and they accepted it and we stopped there and then. They knew I was ready to stop and they respected me enough to listen to my decision which is really good as when you have been doing something together since I was the age of 2.5 years old its a big change to just stop it. But we stopped and life went in a whole new direction! I changed 4 horses for 4 wheels and found a love of cars took over my life and lead me to the life I have now. So no regrets ever as I always look back on those times with happy smiles :o) I would love to have something to do with horses again and who knows Livvy or Jayden might have it in the blood like I did but one thing I do know is that whatever they like to do I will push them to be the best that they can be and achieve things that they can look back on and be proud of. And like my parents I want to have the right amount of push but with an understanding that if they don't want to do it anymore then its onwards and upwards to the next thing....
Xxxx
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Saturday 3 March 2012
Cuddles Before Nursery!
My health has been particularly rocky since Jayden was born and the stress that my health puts on a marriage can sometimes be extremely difficult to cope with for both parties. We tend to take things out on each other but we both know neither of us mean for that to happen and that we love each other dearly and always will, no matter what!
I happened to speak to the health visitor about certain stresses and strains that my health bring but also what impact my health has on a toddler. Her behaviour changes every time I go into hospital. Sometimes positive and other times negatively. I absolutely HATE to make such a negative impact on her life. I have dealth with some pretty upsetting things as a result of me being in hospital. As much as I try not to take it to heart it is hard to put up that wall and not have it effect you.
I can't imagine what must go through a 2 year olds head when one minute Mommy is here then the next Mommy is gone for nearly 2 weeks. Then I just re-appear as if nothing has happened but to her I'm sure it feels like a lot has happened. Unfortunately a child that has a parent with CF has to deal with these things and get used to it as much as possible. At times I tell myself that some kiddies have parents who work away and might even be away for longer. That usually makes me feel slightly better and less terrible for putting her through whatever it is I put her through.
So anyway after chatting to my health visitor about some problems we had been having she said that there may be a chance of getting Livvy into nursery early as there may be funding for such things.
I never imagined for 1 second we would get something so amazingly helpful to not only me and Chris but mainly helpful to our beautiful daughter who has so much patience but deserves a bit of stability in her life. We had a meeting with 2 people from 'Sure Start' and they were so helpful and understanding. It felt so nice to actually be getting something positive happen I just wouldn't let myself believe that it would happen until we heard officially!!
We had our 2nd meeting and Tracey said yes we can fund her for 2 days per week which is 2 days of 5 hours. We were blown away! The knock on effect of Livvy being able to go to nursery is immense.... To name a couple of things Livvy will have some stability and routine every week, Jayden will get our full attention on him, we can get the housework done easier, I can rest without feeling guilty, or if I am in hospital chris will have a bit of a break. There are many more things but I won't bore you all.
Livvy had her first settling in session a few days ago where we stayed with her for an hour and spoke to all the staff about what happens at nursery and we spoke about what Livvy is like and any needs she has. We booked the 2nd settling in for the next day where she had to be left on her own at the nursery for an hour. Me and Chris were so so nervous but as soon as we walked in she ran off. We told her we would be back later and all I heard was "NOOOoooo" which is her new favourite word and says it so cheeky. So we left and rang after half an hour to see how she was and they told us she was fine :o) huge relief for us!
I am due to go back into hospital very soon so I wanted to go and pick Livvy up on my own. Its about a 2 minute walk from our house which is perfect! Its not too far for me to walk and can take my time if I'm struggling. So I went to pick her up and had to bribe her out with sweeties hehe! Naughty I know but I am such a proud Mommy that our little girl just takes whatever is thrown at her and deals with it so I wanted to treat her :o) we walked/ran home as she couldn't wait to tell Chris about her time at the nursery!
So can't believe I'm saying this but our angel is starting proper nursery on Monday! I will miss her like crazy when she isn't here but I know we have our gorgeous boy to concentrate on and a house to seriously sort out.
So even though I know I'm going back into hospital next week I feel a bit calmer about it as I know everyone will be more or less occupied. Hopefully not too much that they won't miss me though hehe :op
Livvy my angel when you read this just know how super amazingly proud I am of you and what a beautiful and funny daughter I have in you. Love you very much xxxx
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